He was an enigma, bright, shining, fleeting. He came to me at my weakest point and left me even weaker, barely a shadow of my former self and yet I still love him with a ferocity that no one but he will ever be able to understand and the worst part is he would not care if I lay dead before him at this point. </////3

But that does not keep me from my feelings, raw and painful as they are. The true depth of it all is not something I ever wish to full show again, but it's the ocean of my heart, and regrettably will still be quite some time yet, yet that is just way and nature of love. You can't undo what has been done and you can't take back what has been said but you can still feel and so I do that with my entire heart and soul.

I will never stop hating myself, causing what I did like that really was stupid even for someone like to know better and I did but in the heat of all those single moments, stacked upon each other, I just could not hold back and so here I am now, broken, tattered, tormented for it. No one to blame really since blame was equal but still not really comforted by that small piece of knowledge either.

He was everything to me!!!!! NO ONE is ever going to see why, understand it from my skewed perception and that carries its own weight of burden especially when my heart still stays loyal to him. All anyone else sees is a crazed, tormented girl, fucked up for still having loyalties lay with an abuser but to me that is NOT what he is!!

Yes I do acknowledge without hesitation he beat the living hell out of me emotionally and he was not a safe person, but the heart sees the essence of someone, not who they were made to be due to unexpected circumstance. He hurt me in too many times to count, in inexcusable and unforgivable ways, but still my heart can only lead me back to his core, his essence, his truest, deepest heart, his "secret heart" as it were and that is why I can still treasure him.

My thoughts, my memories, are still tormented, still drive me to drinking but as I soldier on I realize how beautiful life can be and how unexpected people can be too. Zanner and I have only be together a short while but he has already re-intoned several important "rules to live by". The first is that he is only here to uplift me, show and give the respect that I am deserving of and to remind me that I need to do the same. Second, to make laugh and smile (he really likes my smile ^/////^) and that I need to look for the positive not always the dark or the negative. It might seem like simple, basic, every day principles but after you get buffeted and bruised by the hand you've been dealt, you soon forget that you are entitled to the same things as everyone else. I guess that's part of the reason even though I was incredibly ambivalent about giving Zanner another chance, I did anyway because I know for all his faults, he lives by the same morals/principles that I used to and that I know full well I need to start living by once more. I love him and he has totally rebuilt up my world and has started on the tedious task of mending a very tattered and very mistrusting heart with gentleness and calm, steady love. <3333

Yes I know that it's far too late
"why, why??" my heart screams to me
But still in deepest shadow my "secret heart" I find is content to wait
Yet now, not a drop of good would sorry be
For tis too late for that and so I hang my head in shame and sorrow
For no longer will I be smiling in the morrow
As the happiness, the laughs, the smiles are robbed from me by you
Still not understanding nor caring what you do
"Help me!!" I want to scream but you only will walk on, away
So I stay silent as the tears choke me
As it fades to black inside my head, your haunting face is all I see.....

When I wake up, my memory will briefly make me smile
Until I clear my head of the haze
And remember it was only a dream
Nothing more than a fling that lasted a brief and tiny while
And so then I will return to my depressed daze
Once again embittered by fate's wiles
Since it seems it can do nothing but spite a poor, lost, soul which seems destined to stay empty
As it wanders in this thing someone once upon a time called life
And now as fate once again takes up the resounding gleeful chant of "ha! i told you so!"
All I will be able to do is bow my head and whisper back "I know,"
As the hot, heated tears of hate and rage flood my eyes.

For my stupidity can not ever take away the pain, turn back time
Give me what I need to get you back
So as I numbly look out across the barren expanse in my mind, feeling the loss of what I lack
The terrain is barren and comfortingly white, while the sky turns black.