It keeps popping up. I love it when people ask me questions, so I'm doing it.

http://www.formspring.me/AlikuraTiggress

Go ahead, ask me anything.

But shit I have so much to do. I have my last exam tomorrow and I still need to study.
I have to get ready for my trip to NYC which I leave for Friday pm. I actually have to study for THAT because it's a school related trip and I have to do some research on one of the venues we'll visit and stand up in front of our group for 5 minutes and talk about it. D= Fuck I hate open-ended discussion assignments. I also need to check out interesting places to visit while I'm there. Oh man I'm so nervous about this. I'm an anxious traveler though. I worry about if I'll bring enough stuff, if I'll pack too much, if I'll forget anything or loose something. Will I get to the airport on time, get on the right connecting flight, find a cab to take me to the right hotel when I get to NYC. Oh man, it's overwhelming, my worries. But I do this every time, no matter how many times I've flown/traveled on my own. I really need to stop freaking out like this.

I should be getting a semi-new phone by tomorrow. Mine fell down one of the elevator shafts at FC 2009, 7 stories, and then got crushed by the elevator as it came down. Somehow they were able to get it back and somehow it still worked... barely. So now it's on it's last leg and I just need to get a new one. I was thinking about getting a totally new Android and sticking with Sprint -OR- getting an iPhone and switching to AT&T Anyone have any suggestions? I really could use a second opinion. Obviously the most important things to me are coverage and speed. I need good coverage and 3G speed for these areas: Pretty much all of Central Oregon and the Willamete Valley, Washington all the way up to Seattle and then pretty much all of the Bay Area, Central Cali and SoCal (Sacramento, and San Jose). These are the areas I frequent the most. For both Sprint and AT&T it seems Texas and most of the east coast are pretty damned well covered so when I visit family or hit up another AC I should be well covered with either plan. BUT, I still really wanna know what you guys think.

Ok, so I've blabbered enough for this morning. It's time for me to start studying for this exam. Wish me luck! I might try to work on commissions tonight. ^.^ I'd love to finish Roadkill's commission before leaving so I can work on the next one.

has been horribly cruel to me.

I woke up today in a start. A panic really. My heart was pounding and my immediate thought/emotion was "Oh no!"

It's so weird to wake up like that. I've had this happen for years. It is so tiring, so draining physically, mentally and emotionally.

I've been laying in bed here. For about and hour or so I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. My mind was (and still is) racing with the overwhelming amount of things I have to do and have to worry about. This weight and burden on my mind and heart makes me want to cry right now

I don't feel like typing any more about it. I just thought perhaps writing this out and putting the thoughts in my mind down would help calm my mind. I think it is, so now I'll talk about what's on my mind, and not just what it's doing to me. My mind is an evil active thing. A tea kettle that has far too much pressure built up over far too much time.

First off, verbal diarrhea so I don't forget what I'm talking about. I've been musing over what's happened over the last few days, what's going to happen over the next few days and what's going to happen in the distant future. I'm fretting over it all. *deep breath, calm down* So, I had my first art show last night. I got my papers back from the paper making workshop this past Saturday. I've officially finished all winter term classes except the final exam for Psychology which I take Thursday. I have to ace this exam. I am riding a very thin line between a C and a D for this class. Getting a D would end in me getting under a 2.0 for the semester (I think) and that would be bad. I have to admit, the entire semester, I opened the book only to cram for exams. I showed up to perhaps half the lectures. I was not into it. I really need to shake myself out of this. I can't keep letting my performance slip. This ties into so many areas of my life. My perspective is just off. Anyway. By Friday I leave for my NYC workshop. That has my stomach in a knot. I'm an anxious traveler. I need to start getting ready right now. That's the only thing that will keep me sane for the trip. I think I'll try to limit myself to one backpack, a purse and a small suitcase. All I need is a weeks worth of clothes and art supplies. Literally the day I get back from NYC I start my Spring term classes. Crazy man. So there's not much of a break for me here any time soon. And it's sounding more and more like my summer might not be spent the way I was planing. I just had an instructor come to me and mention connecting me with a company in Portland who deal in animatronics as a lot of my physical computing projects have deal with control of servos and mechanical movement and I've mentioned countless times being interested in animatronics. I'm going to email him to get the company's name so I can research what they're into. Apparently there was a student before who did an internship with them so he's going to check into it for me after spring break. Hot fucking damn what an opportunity! I'm stoked! I have to email my instructor from this semester and get him to send me copies of the video and photos he took of my projects so I can upload them to my blog in case I need to show them off in the near future. I'm super stoked about all this, but also super nervous. I'm no mechanical genius. I am a very late bloomer and there is so much I have to learn. I'm worried the internship may be over my head. But I'm no about to pass up a huge opportunity like that just because I'm worried about not being good enough. I'll let them decide if I'm good enough for them, in the mean time I will continue to learn as much as I can. I'm really lucky to have Dale here to help me. I just need to have faith in myself. Considering I had not even touched code until a year ago, I'd say I've come a long way. But I certainly can go farther!

Wow, this whole journaling thing really works. I feel better already. I just need to set out a to-do list for myself so I can be calm and lay out my game plan for the rest of the week and I should be fine. *smile* I'll try to remember to come back later to talk about the paper making, Arduino, Isadora and other art-related ideas I've been brooding over. God damn I have SO many ideas on what I want to do. Too many.

Rules and Shtuff
The goal of this challenge is to offer me (and other artists) a chance to get loosened up and focus more on the gesture and emotive content of artwork as opposed to all the technical details. This is meant to focus the artistic eye on the message and the feelings of our work, the flow of energy and the potency of expression. What are you trying to say and how well can you get people to SENSE or feel that message? There is no age limit, content limit, style or medium limit. All skill levels are welcome and all styles of art of encouraged!

We don’t focus on critiquing anatomy and we don’t scrutinized over perspective or technical details, although these tings are certainly welcomed when asked for. If you want to give that kind of critique, please first ask the posting artist if they desire it and please try to give critique privately through notes if possible so that the comments and journals can focus on the content of the image more then just the quality.

What makes this theme Never-Ending is that a social networking of new and unique ideas are being encouraged! Have a certain animal theme you’d like? Then submit the idea to me, add it to your list and then pass it on to others. Once a new idea is submitted, I’ll update it here, and so should you. Ideas are not just limited to me however. Anyone can add any themes to their list any time. The goal however is to share in the creative themes, just like we’re sharing in the creative art we produce from the themes. =)

1.) Do one picture each with one of the themes below. Each picture should have ONE and only ONE theme each.

2.) There is a 2 hour time limit for EACH PIECE!! Are you fast enough to do a finished piece in two hours? Then challenge yourself. Try a one hour sketch, or 30 min, or 15 minute. These are only sketches or under paintings and should be done quick and dirty. NO FINISHED WORKS ALLOWED! This is meant to challenge you to put ideas down quickly that express feelings or thoughts to the viewer.

3.) The main picture can be drawn but is not limited to just that, use any medium you want to create your sketches. This challenge is geared more towards illustrative works, but sculptors, writers, dancers, musicians and all other artists are also welcome to the challenge, following the same rules! Work for no more then two hours on the themed piece and then upload and share the results!

4.) The list of themes should be placed somewhere in your journal so that other artist can see that you are participating in the challenge and so they can see how much you have completed. Don't forget to link back to this journal so others can do it. Also make sure to tell me that you're doing this so that I can add you to the participants list.

5.) Make sure to update this list and check off what is done. Next to the theme name, place a link to the finished sketch for that theme!

6.) The title of the work should share the same name as the theme for it or at least stated in the description. Be sure to note in the description that the picture is for the challenge.

7.) You don't have to do them all in order.

8.) Create new themes and ideas to be added to the list so that it’s a never-ending list! Share your additions with me and other artists so we can all participate with you!

Challenge your friends to do this.



THE THEME LIST
1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67%
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation
101. Hippos
102. Summer
103. Spring
104. Autumn
105. Winter
106. Chocolate
107. High fashion
108. Make-up
109. Canada
110. Shoes
111. Rainbows
112. Peace


Other Participating Artists (click name to go to their user page):

Amadameus
Smight

I quit "Furry" forever. The word, not the community. Take a breath. No drama here, you silly lama you. Call me whatever you want but I don't limit or stereotype myself to one word or idealized perception or expectation and I honestly think you shouldn't either. It's ridiculous!

Anyway, I'm here. I'm me. Deal with it, deal with me, not as a "furry" but as a multifaceted human being who shares one very fun and diverse interest but is overflowing with other broad, unique and interesting ideas and has a wonderful capacity to learn and engage in new ideas and experiences.

AKA: People, freakin talk to me about interesting things outside of just anthropomorphics. More of you!

I've been finding out slowly each day that there is a shackled and chained Dadaist in my inner artistic soul. And as is such for many of the Dadaist of old, I am compelled to write a Manifesto of the artistic soul and purpose. I want to better explore the meaningful desires, passions, motivations, perceptions, experiences and dialogues I have with myself on some thus far restricted level.

I'm not gong to create a manifestos right now as I've not actually thought it through and things like this really should take time, thought and investment before being flung about, but I think I need to compile one nonetheless. What I am going to do for now is list the traits, desires and motivations I find every day that will lead to the formation and realization of my own personal art Manifesto.

I'm sorry for the hoity toity art talk, but when I express ideas like this, it comes out this way, it just feels right and allows me to express the thoughts and ideas in the most expressive way. I have a varied palate of vocabulary and I'm not about to limit myself in choice of medium on this issue. =)

This is going to be an on-going journal. I'm going to add to it, alter it, and think on it until I've come to some kind of understanding that leads me to being confident in creating a manifesto that I can proudly stand by.

So then, here goes:

*) I want to learn it all so that I may have the tools, the ability and the strength to express anything I am approached with.

*) I want to experience everything I can emotionally so that I may better understand how to express the experiences.

*) I want to alter my state of mind and perception so that I may better intake and formulate my experience of the world

*) I want to grow closer to others so that I might better understand what the experiences of life have been like and continue to be like for others

*) I feel that the most expressive and meaningful works come from the most simplistic of places and motivations

*) I do not believe art is a restrictive commodity. All are welcome to it. All participate in it. Every contribution shapes the environment in which the next shall be conceived.

*) Artists are human beings first and gods never.

*) To stop a person for only a moment, to engage a thought for a fraction of a second, to engender an emotion for only an instance, is the purest and truest accomplishment of artistic expression.

*) Rules are indeed made to be broken. Without night there can not be an appreciations of day and without opposition there would be no appreciation for the structure of power. Each thing defines and supports the other. There is something to be desired in following a prescribed course, but there is something even more valuable in understanding that prescription of action to such a degree that you can break free of it's singularity to find an alternate path that still allows for the same harmonious existence as before.

*) Fear is a sign of accomplishment to come. We don't fear what we already know. We don't fear what's comfortable. We don't fear what's conquered. We fear the new, the uncertain, the untamed, the unpredictable. We fear newness, we fear a lack of control, we fear potential failure, but these things are all signs of challenges to be overcome and surpassed. There is nothing in the expressive, emotive and preceptive realms of art that will kill you and for certain what doesn't kill you here will only make you stronger.

I'm on the verge of lethargic depression this morning. I'm trying to fight off tears by ignoring what's bothering me, because I know the reality of the situation and I'm too stuborn to let it go from my heart and move on. I'm afraid of what happens after letting go. I'm so horrified of loosing people in my life, but everyday due to fear and stubbornness I successfully sabotage relationships.

My fear rules me and I am often too weak and afraid to stand up to it. I'm trying every day to do differently. There's a very difficult road ahead and as I progress I find myself confused and struggling to see what my progress has been. Maybe it's too early (or maybe it's too late), but I don't feel like things are getting better. So I have to ask how long it takes and I have to wonder if anything will ever be good enough for me to see as progress and worth in my life.

I feel I have something to be proud of in that I have the balls to put my thoughts and emotions out there for open observation, so for that I find the tiniest bit of pride. But day to day I really feel like none of this is any more then silent motions through a pointless movie.

Look at me, I'm getting my post-con depression out of the way ahead of time.

I feel like a fucking idiot. Just inept and clueless. This is the point where I don't know what to do and I'm afraid that whatever I do will just be the wrong thing, and so I slink away and hide somewhere safe, which is probably the wrong this as well. but appears to be the lesser or evils.

Am I getting any better at this or am I still in the same place? I still feel the same, this still looks the same. How do I know if I'm making progress? How long does it take and how much work do I have to put in before I see that something is happening; for the better?

How do I know I'm growing?

I recognize two feelings right now: fear and confusion. I feel lost and afraid. I feel like I'm sitting all alone in a forest with many twisting paths leading in different directions. I've turned away from various help here and there because I'm afraid of being weak and help perpetuates weakness, or so I've told myself. Now I'm alone and don't know which way to go. I'm scared, but mostly I'm scared of turning to those I want respect from and telling them that I'm scared. That I don't have the answers. That I feel too weak to figure it out on my own. I feel like I need to earn my way through life and when I let other people take care of things for me I lose my ability to think for myself and my skill to deal with situations is dampened that much more. But, I know this can't really be true because I'm sitting here by myself inside; afraid and not sure what to do, which way to go, or what I'm doing now and why.

So how can someone be weak and yet respected for the POTENTIAL of their strength, the quality of that person that lies past that particular moment of weakness? I focus too strongly on my weaknesses. I've convinced myself that everyone else does the same. This isn't a thought process that changes overnight. I spoke today in giving my thoughts to a dear person to me, and yet now I seem to choke at trying to believe I'm somehow worthy of that same advice. Draw from the resources around me when I'm feeling weak; but I don't want to be weak and I don't want to be seen as weak.

I don't know how to get out of this circular fear-based phobia that spins through my head. I'm trying in my day to day life to make the right choices. I don't really know what right is anymore, but at least I can try, and talk to those I care for, to hear their thoughts and try to see their perspectives.

And all that good cheer. =)

and it's f'ing cold. Time for a nice blanket and some more music making then commissions.

First free writing exercise, yay. I just finished my yoga which I hope to turn into a weekly act. Every Monday, but I think I'd like to start it at eight instead of midnight. I did a short 20 minute pm session which is supposed to just relax and unwind you and it seems to have worked pretty well. I ended up falling asleep.

Anywho, I'm only doing a 15 minute writing session tonight so I'll go over the interesting aspects of the day.

Avatar. That's it. Holy hell man, even now as I think about it I'm getting all giggly and excited and griming to myself. It was amazing. Worth the extra money to see it in 3D although I wish I had seen it in IMAX 3D. I hope to do that at FC this Jan. Hopefully it will still be there.

Speaking of FC, I'm looking forward to it but I'm not sure how well I'll do as an artist. Im' really nervous. At AC I did pretty lousy. Only got two commissions. A badge and something I'm still thinking up for Chrono. I'm not sure how much better I'll do at FC. I don't yet know my daily limit so I'll have to be careful not to exceed it. I also am afraid of taking on too many commissions in general. I don't want too many, but I'm worried no one will be interested and i"ll end up with none. I should think positive. I'll probably do alright. I'll be next yo Sheryn and that will be very cool. I hope I won't annoy her with my worrying and questions because I always ask a million questions when I'm nervous and unsure and god knows I'll be feeling both during the first day or so. Ugh. I turned in my TAX id info but no word back yet so I hope that went ok.

I wanted to commission a fursuit partial and I got most of the money I need but shit with work put me back so I'll have to scale back my request for now. Also needing to pay out more for utilities this month won't help, but at least it's not as bad as it could be. My next paycheck will be really nice as I'll have holiday pay on it and I'll be working my ass off the next week or so. Staring tomorrow I work seven days straight. I don't know what my schedule is after the 28th but hopefully 'll be getting at least a day or two off. one of our employees when to Mexico for the holiday, lucky girl. When she gets back things will settle down. I'm thinking about asking for new years off so I can stay up with friends and toast, considering I'll have worked my ass off for this holiday.When school starts back up it'll be back to the grind but I'll only be working two days a week at most so I think it'll be ok (not counting one day pro puppy play class).

I'm logging my hours in that class so I can get closer to my training certification. I'm not sure why I'm still pursuing it though. I love training dogs, I hate working with people. I can't stand needing to talk to people who typically aren't willing to listen. But perhaps I should just chalk that up to me being too nervous or lacking the outward confidence to just tell people "this is how it is". We'll have to see how I feel about that bridge when I'm standing face to face with it.

My god I just looked back and realized I don't have many spelling errors, well, I mean I do, but not as many as I'd expect. Interesting. But random . =)

This takes a lot of work. I'm already finding myself too tired and bored to continue. I'm going to keep writing until the time runs out thought. I guess I could talk about the Na'vi art I want to do now. Or the mech art thanks to Avatar. Wow I can't believe I'm saying it, but the Na'vi are hot, yes, hot hot hot. I'd do 'em. I would also kill for reality to mimic this particular form of art.

If you could, would you join a program to let you temporarily man an alien "body" suit? I know i would in a heartbeat. I don't care how dangerous the situation. But, honestly that's fantasy and if it REALLY did happen I'm sure I'd be singing a different tune. Or would I?

Ok, now I'm just bored.

-

Ahah! Saved by the bell, or in this case, the timer. =)
That was 15 min. How the hell could I survive 30?
I think the more I do this, the more I will relax, the better it will work and the more I will gain from it. I'm glad I did this. It's nice to spend an evening with myself for a change. =)

Ok, now I'm going to take a bath with my peach candle and masturbate. *wink to a certain someone* Not sure you will even read this, but what the hell, this is your fault. Thanks. =)

Night guys.

=D
=D
=D
=D
=D
=D

I'm going to be making this face all night long! That movie was so amazing. It was full of everything I love in a good sci-fi/fantasy movie. Good story, awesome environments, stunning visuals, great characters, hot creatures, scary beasts, good sex, fucking wet-my-seat mechs and a stellar score. Oh dear good I was not disappointed and I can't wait to see this in IMAX 3D.

Well worth the money if you love sci-fi fantasy films. <3

=D
=D
=D
=D

I'm excited to see it. =3
I'll tell you what I think with my journal tonight.

What the fuck?
My boss is pissing me the fuck off right now.
Checks are due the fucking 20th
When that day falls on a weekend or holiday checks are supposed to be ready the first working day before that day. But she fucked that up. So here i am expecting her to take care of her shit and she drops the ball. I was horribly inconvenienced. You know, paying my bills can wait until she's good and ready, sure. No problem.

So she says "Checks will be ready by 4 Monday."
Well it's 3-fucking-45 and I just called her and she tells me she's in fucking PORTLAND picking up her son and now checks won't be ready until 5. THE BANKS CLOSE AT 5! I am not happy. This is inconsiderate. You don't fuck with your employee's ability to pay their bills; NOT THREE FUCKING DAYS FROM CHRISTMAS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. That's horribly inconsiderate. There better have been an emergency. She's done this before.
I'm going to try to tell her as politely as possibly that this was horribly inconvenient and ask if there's any way to avoid it in the future. Right now I just want to say "Hey, you know how I'm scheduled the next three days, well, you'll have to wait and figure something else out because I've decided the next three days I'm going to be doing something else.

That wouldn't fly worth shit, but perhaps it would get the point across.

I have this encroaching and growing sense of apathy right now. I'm trying to fight it off. It started about the time I tried to randomly draw something I didn't really have an idea for yet. I think perhaps it's time to find some inspiration.


However I'll do that.

From today on out I'm going to be working towards establishing a routine of sitting down and free-form writing for at least 15 - 30 minutes in the journal here. My goal is a complete unobstructed stream of consciousness. From mind, through fingers, into text. A hypnotic state which I hope will eventually transform and evolve into a sort of direct tap into my subconscious and creative mind. Writing/typing seems to have this effect on me. The muscle memory is such that my conscious mind can't keep up, but often my subconscious will kick in and direct my motions. I'll often look up after typing an essay or some long response to someone and notice I had typed words I hadn't thought of, or that I omitted words I had wanted to include and often times I find that I had a sudden thought pop up in the back of my mind and accidentally typed that out instead.

See what I mean? About halfway through that block of text I started drifting into a semi-trance. I really enjoy these, it's the closest to meditation I can get to. But anyway. I'm going to try and do this once a day, starting today. I think the evenings are the best time after the day has passed and my mind has calmed enough to try to start digesting everything.

I'm going to be open and frank and want to allow myself complete honesty so if I say anything that you take offense to please feel free to let me know. If I say anything you know to be false then call me on it. I know I'm imperfect and I welcome outside viewpoints to help me hone and improve my internal perspective.

Sometimes I'll respond to comments and some times I won't, but for the most part I'll try to respond as best I can.

Thanks guys.

Here, have a meme.

• Pick your Artist:
-Dr. Steel

• Are you a male or female?
-Back And Forth

• Describe yourself:
-Totally Moded

• How do you feel:
-Slapped by Moe

• Describe where you currently live:
-Planet X Marks The Spot

• If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
-Imagination

• Your favorite form of transportation:
-Lullaby Bye

• What did you get on your last Birthday?
-Winky in C Minor

• Your best friend is:
-Bohemian Groove

• You and your best friends are:
-Greedy

• What's the weather like:
-Fibonacci Sequence

• Favorite moment:
-Prelude to Domination

• If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
-Childhood (Don't) A Go-Go

• What is life to you:
-We Decide

• Your last relationship:
-Drop The Bomb

• Your fear:
-The Singularity

• What is the best advice you have to give:
-Secret Message

• Thought for the Day:
-Atomic Superstar

• How I would like to die:
-Ode To Revenge

• My soul's condition:
-Schizophrenic

• Most Faithful Companion:
-Bogeyman Boogie

• My motto:
-Built The Robots

and I really need some evil in my life right now. I've got like $600 in my bank account. =( FC is two months away. Fuck.

As I sit here and write
the pounding of the keyboard
mimicking waves in and out of my ear and mind
Echoes of the beats of my heart

As the rhythm on the waves flows
the beating of my heart grows
intensify with every second,
until I can take it no more
Like a bubbling cauldron; a fire inside
my emotions; my knowledge; my tears
I cry

I cry
I cry

But not a single tear will hit my cheek
because I hold it inside
The eyes can’t see
when the vision is blurred

And I want to see myself off
to a better day.


I keep crying inside. Last night was an almost painful exploration into some of the darker depths of my soul and pain, which has left some of it unexposed and raw closer to the surface. So, even as I sit here, I've broken my profession for tears.

My cheeks are wet and my vision is blurred and I feel rather lost.

BTW, I wrote this while listening to Ronald Jenkees' song "Loui".
Guys, his albums are $10 a piece and his individual song downloads are $1.
Please buy this song. Everyone has $1 to spare. We waste it in the carseat or on coffees and candy. I know how it goes. But please, just listen to the song and read over this once if you can. Perhaps it'll put you better into the emotional perspective I was at when I wrote this. Listen to the whole song, but start reading at about 2:30. Read it slowly, purposefully and try to feel it.

Or not. =) This was my experience and perhaps no one will feel it like I do.
I guess I just don't want to be alone in the experience. It's nice to have someone you can look at, nod, and see it in their eyes. A silent note back and forth. "I feel it too."

so then why do I feel like I'm moments away from crying?
Uhg. Emotions. For one day I'd like to be without you.

I knew it would work out this way:

Your boy side

[x] you love hoodies. (The perfect top)
[x] you love jeans. (The perfect bottom)
[ ] dogs are better than cats (I <3 them both)
[x] it's hilarious when people get hurt. only if not bad (Blame it on JackAss)
[x] you've played with/against boys on a team. (I honestly like playing against the guys better, they are more of a challenge and I don’t have to worry about being too rough.)
[ ] shopping is torture. (Only if you’re doing it for/with someone else!)
[ ] sad movies suck. (No, crying during sad movies sucks)
[x] you own an x-box. (Back in Cali. <3 Halo)
[x] played with hot-wheels cars as a kid. (And I still have micro machines bitches!)
[x] at some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter. (and a cop)
[x] you own a DS, PS2 or sega. (PS2)
[x] you used to be obsessed with power rangers. (…we don’t talk about this shameful period in my life.)
[x] you watch sports on TV. (on occasion when others are watching or the super bowl.. ok so mostly for the commercials with the super bowl, but if the game is good I’ll watch it too)
[x] gory movies are cool. (F-ing A! I have a horror fetish or something)
[x] you go to your dad for advice. (I have a love/hate relationship in this manner)
[ ] you own like a trillion baseball caps. (I have a lot of hats, but not baseball hats)
[x] you like going to football games. (With other people who are into the game.)
[x] you used to/do collect baseball cards. (and basketball)
[x] baggy pants are cool to wear. (love ‘em)
[x] it's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people. (sorry, but I typically like to sleep at my house in my bed… where it’s quiet, but I love an all night party!)
[x] green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors. (blue, black and red)
[ ] you love to go crazy and not care what people think. (not confident enough yet)
[x] sports are fun. (I love track and field, swimming, snowboarding and basketball)
[x] talk with food in your mouth. (you like sea food? =3 )
[x] wear boxers. ( briefs <3)
Total Reasons You Might Have a Penis = 20


Your girl side

[x] you wear lip gloss. (I think this must also be a fetish of mine. Rarely am I without my lip gloss/balm/stick)
[x] you love to shop. (I think I have the equivalent of An addictive/impulsive habit to buy things)
[ ] you wear eyeliner. (only when in costume or dressing up)
[x] you have some of the same shirts in different colors. and sizes (What? I need to have options.)
[x] you wear the color pink. (OMFGGGRRRRFFFLLLBBBBT, I HATE PINK! But god damn more and more of it is getting into my wardrobe *sadface*)
[x] go to your mom for advice. (Yeah, because she’s laid back, easy to talk to and is pretty understanding. Sometimes she tries to be too coy though.¬.¬ )
[ ] you consider cheerleading a sport (ffffffffffffffffffffff…)
[ ] you hate wearing the color black. (FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, best color ever!)
[ ] you like hanging out at the mall. (No! I like shopping, but I hate the social crowds that get between me and my unnecessary spending! D=< )
[x] you like getting manicures and/or pedicures. (What? It feels good. I give myself at-home spa treatments. =3 )
[x] you like wearing jewelry. (BlingBling. Your body is a canvas, why not adorn it with pretty things?)
[x] skirts are a big part of your wardrobe. (Believe it or not; I just don’t wear them much.)
[x] shopping is one of your favorite hobbies. (Read: addictions)
[x] you don't like the movie star wars. (I don’t like the movie start BS drama. Who cares about Brittney’s twat anyways?)
[x] you are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance. (Dance. I love to dance. But I typically injure people in the process… You didn’t -really- need that eye. )
[x] it takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories. (Hey now! Anything worth doing is worth doing PERFECTLY… Does this eyeliner match my nail polish?)
[x] you smile a lot more than you should. (This one was put here just to remind me of how much I suck, wasn‘t it? *sadface* )
[x] you have more than 10 pairs of shoes. (Ok… I MIGHT be a shoe whore. You have too ma… SHUT UP!… biatch)
[x] you care about what you look like. (Too much. It’s more like I torment myself over it.)
[x] you like wearing dresses when you can. (When I can… which isn’t often.)
[x] you like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne. (I sweat roses.)
[x] you wear girl underwear. (BUT I LIKE BOXER BRIEFS BETTER!)
[x] used to play with dolls as little kid. (I had Barbies, but I usually stole my brother’s GI-Joes/action figures to save Barbie from the evil chomping T-Rex… I always liked the T-Rex better anyways)
[x] like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it. (Oh god, yes oh yes oh yes oh yes oh yes, plz! love make-up!)
[ ] like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored. (WTF? I never did understand this one.)
Total Reasons To Ditch Your Uterus: 20


People don't know. I really do have a confused sense of sexual self. =x

I'm honored you would all choose to follow me here. Thank you for wanting to share in a more intimate part of my little world.

I really encourage people to speak on any point the art, journals, poems or stories I post here engender. If you have a question, I demand you ask it. If you feel something, speak up and let it be known.

So, this next part is unavoidable, so I'm going to just address it now. I will try my BEST to be as respectful of the people I care about as I can. I suck at communication, specifically any communication dealing with something I perceive as being unpleasant--giving bad news, receiving bad news, being angry, angering someone, being disappointed, disappointing someone, etc. So, that being said, if I say, do or upload something that offends you, hurts you or bothers you in any manner, please keep two things in mind:

1) This is more then likely NOT my intent. I am an extremely emotional persona and a lot of times my feelings are not logical, but I need a venue with witch to express them and sometimes they are unpleasant (for me and others).

2) If the issue is personal and between me and you, you have a right to express your feelings to me, and I really hope that you do. I may just lack the ability to put into words what I can put down in art and if you come and initiate dialogue, it might just be the ticket to fixing the situation.

If you ever have an issue with something I post, please let me know and try not to take offense right off the bat. Things may not be what you think. Even when I'm upset I don't want to actually hurt anyone. I just want to say what I need to say. I always respect your right to do the same.

I'm really looking forward to where I go with this and what you guys get out of it as well.

Thanks, from the bottom of my heart.

I Am Here
I refuse to sit back and let this existance be for nought.
I will do my best to live
I will do my best to learn
I will always be as alive as I can be
I will not apologize for taking up space
I will not hide from confrontation
But I will keep a responsible and open perspective

And most important, I will strive to make my presence one of importance, even if only to proove that I was here.

These are my goals. This is what I will strive and work for.