HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Holy hell, 30 years old...

practically less than a week and I turn 30

Holy hell lol

So I went to the urgent care because of excruciating back pains and wooziness..


thankfully there weren't any signs of the flu or COVID in play, as well as urinary or kidney stones... most likely because of the back pains that cause a mini panic attack which exuberated the other symptoms of my sinus infection,

however it looks like I need to make some appointments about my back issues, wearing a brace for support and barely feel like moving..

I'm starting to piece a lot of my mentality back together and one of the big components that I'm just now realizing is I keep seeking so much appraisal from almost anyone that I come into contact with...

I'm living my life like an idiot thinking I need to hear others approval just to be happy when I need to learn to live my life as fun and authentic as I possibly can!!

I easily fall into that negative aspect of the fear of rejection or the feeling of rejection and it throws me into such a mental loop..

I love what I do I'm loving the life that I'm living and I'm not regretting a damn thing about it!

A while back I posted on the vent chat that I was a little scared about my 29th birthday coming up.. But honestly I can't wait, That's 29 years of amazing accomplishments in my life, The biggest being my relationship with my husband for 12 years, My 9 years of honing and practicing my craft and makeup, As well as meeting wonderful people whether it's in real life or online

*smiles a little setting out some coffee, hot chocolate and cake for anyone who wants it* I'm feeling a lot better today, Even though it's dark and yucky outside.. I'm not going to let that hold me down anymore

Hopefully everyone is good as well

I never knew how bad regret hits...

Its like getting hit by a truck..And it's not a pleasant feeling.. or place to be in...

Basically I regret not taking a position for a job I could have been happy with..

Yet I let my fears.. my insecurities get the best of me..

It's been far too long since I've started updating my journals on here!

It's been quite a few changes in my life since my minor and major breakdowns...

It's been going more in a very good positive incline, I'm starting to get back into the rhythm of actually enjoying to do my makeup, along with trying to be a little more connective with those who I've lost touch with as best as I can


along with that as well as getting rid of the toxic issues of my life as well

I guess I can't deny it any longer... There are times I wish I could belong... where I'd fit in with the community... But maybe its just not meant to be, no matter how involved I try to be.. It never seems to be enough..

I'm thinking about taking a break from being online for a while... I think I need to have time to myself...

Ladies and gentlemen and all in between this is just a friendly reminder that this Saturday on July 24th at around 12:00 p.m., My store will be hosting another live makeup tutorial to help out with our children's miracle that work fundraising, All tips and proceeds will be donated to the charity to help give these children a fighting chance in life!! If you have the chance swing them by we would love for you to join us for the session, And for anyone who can't attend I will be hosting a live Facebook stream with the store tagged to join as well!!

Can't believe tomorrow's my Birthday!!! AHHH SO EXCITED!!!

28 good years of accomplishments between my relationship my cosmetic skills knowledge and artistry

I've been trapping myself in a dark corner for too long.

I've tried fitting into a community maybe I never stood a chance with, only to bring more pain to myself with thinking I wasnt good enough

Maybe Im not a furry artist, a voice actor, an animator or a suit maker...

But I sure as hell dont back down from my form of art!

I walk along my own path and pave my own way!! And if hurts some for cutting those out of my life to move forward.. Then so be it to do what's best for me!

Well...

Happy Birth Month to me and several I know on here


I cannot believe I turn 28 this year..

🕯️🕯️🕯️

Some people aren't loyal to you...

They're loyal to their need of you..

Once that need changes... So does their loyalty..


Truer words never been spoken...

You try your hardest to bring the joy around.. to be that kind light... and for what...

just to be blocked out.. ignored.. or extinguished...

To a point you just give up on the world and keep it to yourself...

My anxiety is skyrocketed.. Just worried about my dad...

If the scope goes ok then hopefully medications can deal with the problem... but I just hope like hell it doesn't go south...

28.. soon it'll be my 28th birthday next month

normally I'd be a little happy but these recent birthdays have gone downhill lately

I'm hoping for the best... but expecting the worst

Why... Why does making friends hurt...

It feels like it brings nothing but pain in the end..

So after the whole rollercoaster of emotions, mental breakdowns and ect.

I think things are slowly falling back into place.

The haze innmy mind slowly clearing up, the self doubting voices subsiding...

I'm so grateful for those that have stuck with me through my bullshit and unstabled self... for that I thank each and every one of you for the love and support

Im sick of letting my head get in the way of shit with people, with life...

Im taking control for once

Im ditching old issues, Im not living my teen years anymore.. Its time to grow up to face life head on..

So I've come to terms with my New year's resolution of getting rid of the toxic issues in my life..

to be more specific I'm going through a mass deletion on all my messenger accounts, that mainly involve telegram or discord

if you're somebody who's kept little to no contact with me over the year, who shown little to no concern about my well-being like some others have...

then I'm afraid this is our farewell, I've had my heart open way too long and let too many people in to have a torn.. I've endured too many sob stories from others yet no one really seems to show the same back.

And if you wanna look at it with a negative stand that's up to you but I need to think about myself and my feelings for once instead of others

this is a story I want to share with everyone

https://youtu.be/pMkvXf2b0tA

This song is just so beautiful... Something we all need to hear with what we're going through... Especially some of us thinking staying strong all the time is the right thing... when it really can do more harm...

We as people don't thrive alone.. we strive together as friends.. as family.. together not alone.

https://youtu.be/O11UcwRctAE

So.. I made the ultimate choice of wiping my gallery clean for several reasons.

I've grown out of the art world as far as this site likes

Even my collage work wasn't much worth to others for trades or ect.

Plus mainly I enjoy other's work and RP for here than anything else

This is a mass apology to those who've I've talked with in past several years.

I've come to see in past chats, RP's or discussions how I've acted out, acted up and had been either arrogant or ignorant with my behavior..

To some who know, most of it came out of anger towards someone who I considered my friend.. for well over a year I've been trying to contact him, obsessed with needing him.. Only for it to damage me for nearly a year's worth of heartache..

This was someone who I've considered a closer friend who took a part of my heart and crushed it.. In doing so I ended up taking that out on some people, or acted out with criticism against me..

Granite there are those of you who have stayed by my sided for well over 9-10 years since I joined FA or DA and never wavered my trust or friendship..

For that I say thank you for the love and support.. showing me not all people who you haven't met in person aren't all bad.

But to anyone who've I have given an attitude towards I do apologize from the bottom of my heart and try to be a better person to not letting my emotions get the best of me.