*setting out a chocolate cake with a couple of candles lit on the counter*



I hope you see this. . .





Happy Birthday Nathan. . .

depression. . anxiety. . . seasonal affective disorder. .

3 of the most unforgiving issues to have during the cold seasons. .

everyday is a constant battle because it comes and goes in waves. . .

For anyone remotely interested. . .



I'm seeking therapy due to recent events...

too many dark thoughts as of late. .

to a point it's becoming dangerous. . .

Join me on Dec 2nd for an epic makeup Livestream inspired by Twisted Wonderland's Azul Ashengrotto!!

Part of the 7 main houses in this makeup series!!!

Streaming on TikTok around 12:30 PM!! Don't miss out!!

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8UH37u1/

looking back through old notes. . . it's funny when talking to some people for the first time. .





As time goes by things become more distant. . . how seeing the way we were years ago was fun. . loving. . .





And now. . . it's pretty much gone. . .

Feeling alot better, clearing my mind of the depressing thoughts and living my life in the now

a reoccurring depression episode keeps haunting me lately. .

the fear of my own morality. . .

the fear of death. . .


Seeing my parents getting older, my grandmother. . . hell even my sister. .

it makes my heart sink, it scares me having attachment, of one day everything I've worked for, I've achieved, I've lived to make. . .

will be over. . no matter how hard I try to fight it, it just keeps replying in my head. . a broken record on loop. . .

I'm done. . Done trying to fix something that's been gone for a long time. .

I need to move on from a broken past and continue forward. . .

I'm absolutely done with being kind, with being nice. . with being around. .

Join me on April 22nd at 12:00 p.m. for an in-depth makeup tutorial where I'll be sharing my favorite tips and tricks to achieve my signature looks!!


hosting both on my YouTube and TikTok!!!

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8jgc9MG/

man. . . I think last night was one of the worst episodes I've experienced in a long while...

between the wildfires, the hurricane winds and having to change everything for my birthday..

just felt like everything I had planned for just went up in flames.. threw me into a deep depression because I wanted to go out with my family..

some birthday.. possibly needing to evacuate due to wildfires around with 70 mph winds...

had to change my dinner idea too to make it easier for the rest of the family. .

It's with a heavy heart to say but. . I will no longer be participating in making streams anymore on here or YouTube. .

If people honestly go out of their way to try to ruin somebody else's happiness and joy, especially with threatening to getting my account banned. . then it's obvious that the world is just too fucking toxic to handle anything..

I apologize for those who do enjoy what I do but I can't take it if it's gotten that far..

holy crap. . 15 more days till I turn 32

And what an eventful life I've lived thus far. . aside from my relationship I think the proudest thing I've accomplished is the nearly 11 years of hard work I put into my makeup skills!

you know what. . . I'm not ok, things are not fine. .

between this heater bullshit, the bills, the stress of my job, my relationship. . .

It's not ok. . THINGS ARE NOT FINE!!!

unbelievable... our heater went out again!! 3rd time when the cold weather kicks in.. I had such a fun idea for a look today but it's so cold to get out of the covers...

You are reading correctly!
Be sure to join me this Tuesday on Christmas Eve for a fun Christmas live stream makeup tutorial!!!

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8NgwSeP/

you know what's the worst thing about being a people pleaser. .

It's not when you try so hard to be nice, honest, and loving only to be looked over . . stepped on, or put on the back burner. . .


It's when you keep telling yourself it's fine. . it's ok. . just so you don't make anyone else upset. . .

Putting others before yourself. .

Super excited for my Livestream tomorrow!!

I can't wait!!

I'm done pretending... I'm done trying to hold it together. . . if I'm too negative for your liking then you never were a friend or a good person from the start. .

Don't act like you give a damn if you don't bother asking if I'm ok or you can't see the signs...

I'm done with trying to be a people pleaser and trying to make more friends. .

I'm sick of having my heart and my feelings twisted like its fuckin playdough. . .

there are some days... I just want to curl in a dark room.. and just cry, no reason behind it..

I'm just tired of trying to be happy so much.. but I feel like people would just leave me being negative...

*sighs heavily* There are so many ideas, so many looks I want to do so much...

But it feels like time and energy aren't on my side.. I guess that's the curse of being a conceptual artist, they're just so many things out there that spark an idea, But between the moving my job and everything else I just don't have enough time on my hands to execute everything that I want to..

Trying really hard to keep a strong smile...

My husband's dad was just rushed to the hospital... We're not sure he might make it through the day...


Please send thoughts and prayers for better...

So... my grandfather passed away last night...

total organ failure after being put into a coma...

Quite honestly I'm more upset with how my grandmother is feeling... I don't know how to process what she might be going through...

So.. for anyone who's noticed or not

I've mass deleted my pictures because of a lingering sense of not belonging

Whether it's furry art or not, it is my art but supposedly it just doesn't seem to belong

or I'm looking for validation in the wrong places..