So, it has been over 2 full months since I began receiving IV Ketamine infusions for my treatment-resistant depression. A bunch of things have happened in my life that I could never have fathomed the past 7 years.

I continue to be in full remission of my depression going on the 9th week now. Work has also been very fulfilling for me, despite the intricacies of my sudden return causing me headaches, even though my union chapter president tells me I have nothing to fear in that regard. This situation would have destroyed me in the past. Among other things, it may have been the tipping point for me, again, and that makes me ashamed to admit that.

Plenty of things have changed when it comes to my psyche too. I dare say that my personality has even been changing. I continue to try understanding my emotions, from sadness, anger, fear, love, likeness, dread... the list goes on, since the Ketamine has let me experience them without the ideations that plagued me my life. I'm enjoying the process thus far.

My perception of time and the formulation of memories continues to be difficult, with past events feeling weeks older than they actually are, or how I am able to think about things so quickly that it feels I've been thinking about them for days when it's only been hours. It is getting better though as time goes on, so it is something that I can consider a neutral side effect.

On a happier note, I have formed at least 3 new core memories lmao. And made new friends along the way.

Just putting this as a public journal of my experience so far with starting my new path on Ketamine IV therapy for my treatment resistant depression. TL;DR I have suffered from MDD since I could first remember anything (kindergarten) and have lost hope that traditional antidepressants would do anything at all to help me. While I have taken 4 different medicines over the past decade, the fact that these medicines take weeks to months to fully kick in is something that I can't afford anymore. My disease is so bad that I cannot even work for long periods of time.

So I came across this therapy, and have read stories of other people in similar places as me, whose lives were completely changed because of it. I immediately gained hope that I could actually experience a life without the constant thoughts that I have. It's hard to explain to people who haven't been in shoes like mine how invaluable such an opportunity is to me. I'd spend every little bit of everything I have just to be able to actually experience it and have a chance at living "normal." Normal to me is anything better than what I've lived with before. While some of the stories I've read explained that they felt a difference with just hours of receiving their first dose, I was still a bit skeptical but optimistic. I wanted to have realistic expectations because, yes, it is still medicine just like antidepressants and may not work.

Well, yesterday, I received my first dose and after chatting with the doctor a couple hours after, they believe that I had achieved remission and more than 12 hours later I have to agree. I've written down the experience I had while I was under the effects of Ketamine and might post it at a future time but after I was starting to come out of that experience, I just couldn't stop smiling and had cried a bit because of how calm my head was. I had never felt so genuinely happy and sad, yet not overwhelmingly dreadful in my life. I remember being able to compare the feeling to when I was a really young boy, care-free with nothing to lose, no responsibilities, and my wild imagination but without depression. I felt safe, comforted, calm, whatever you'd want to call the surreal moment I no longer felt my depression. It was as if it was cast out and completely vanished without a trace. I can hardly remember what it felt like before Ketamine, but I knew instantly that it was going to work and that it actually worked.

I'm no doctor, and the little I've read of studies from journals said something along the lines of how Ketamine is able to help the brain regrow neural connections and pathways that have been lost due to mental illnesses while also letting previously inactive areas of the brain light up again, but that it's not understood exactly how it's able to do that.

This is only the first session of 6 that are typically recommended by clinics that offer it. So I still have 5 more to go after new years. But I'm excited to go back and continue my treatment. I only wish that I found out about this a year or two ago because it could have really helped prevent a lot of things that happened over those years.

Cleaning up my stuff again, here's for my other bio stuff:

personality, social hierarchy, and random stuff

I'm basically a sigma male in the social hierarchy, since I prefer to be to myself and not follow rules or norms that don't make sense to me. A very good example is how I don't like being called a man even though that's what I am. No I don't consider myself a different gender either,
I still consider myself a guy or male however you wish. I don't like it because the word man entails certain expectations in our society that I don't appeal to nor care about. Like "you're a man you should be this or do that" sorta thing. I do what I want how I want, not because society said I should do something else.
This leads me to being lonely, which I am now, since I really don't go out and be social. A trade off that I feel is reasonable even if it costs a lot.
Test by IDRLabs in case you're interested in seeing an taking it yourself.
The 16Personality test says I'm an INFP-T. I have taken this test 5 times now over the past 5 years and I have come out INFP-T in every single one. It really defines my general personality the best.

So my sexuality can be described like this: a wet noodle
No matter how straight you make me, in the end, I'll always be bendable.
But in other words, I'm basically like 90/10 or 95/5 when it comes to how gay I am. 90 or 95% gay and 10 or 5% not.

It's that time of the year where I past that finish line and realize I've grown older while still being old.

Lots of bad stuff happened this past year (bankruptcy & work related problems for example) and so far looking like it's going to repeat the next so it's an uphill battle with an ultimate resolution in 2025 probably. Maybe.

Any who according to my birth certificate I spawned in at 04:56 AM Pacific Time on August 2nd making me a 22. Now supposedly I am of Generation Z, however, I'd like to say that I do not identify with them lmao. Also yes, it's technically still the 1st of August but I don't celebrate my birthday anymore or go out. The last time I truly celebrated had to have been when I turned 16 and then maybe a little very little hanging out when I turned 21 with a friend. It's simply another day for me at this point.

flashback to 121212

So yada some may know now but yeah I had to declare bankruptcy because of the loss of half of my household's income, meaning I'm the only one making income, and the debt I have due to stupid decisions is in danger of having me lose my job. The danger of having my debt go delinquent because I can't pay on time is bigger than one may think, because all of my creditors can close my accounts if they felt like it and demand full payment. This will most certainly lead to wage garnishment, or at least an attempt to garnish my wages among other assets, but doing so means I could lose my job since I'm a gov't employee and especially because of the agency I work for.

Any who. Let's poke some fun at it while I'm here because I haven't yet had one of my breakdowns. I recently just went through an episodic flareup or "breakthrough event" of my depression. I get these flareups every 4 months or so where it's as if I'm not taking my antidepressant at all and the thoughts of depression and worse feelings are so overwhelming it's scary. I learned to get through them and spot when one will or is happening since I already had over a dozen so far. So this could be why I'm not yet breaking down.

Now the funny stuff can begin lmao I'm gonna declare my OC as an asset



_{In reality I'm just poking fun about the situation to help keep me from going down a hole and plunging into a worse state of mind than I'm already in. Bankruptcy isn't a joke and I tried avoiding it for 13 months, but now it's practically unavoidable, since I need to do it to protect my family and my life in the long run.
And to be honest lmao I think my beagle character, since it actually does have some tangible value, would probably be considered an asset under bankruptcy law though I'm no expert nor a legal one. I've hired an attorney to help me through the process so I'm alright, but I may or may not need to do so lol.}

no

The OG nail has finally given heed and has begun evacuating from its home

Long live the nail, it has been through so MUCH XD

So I've decided to just keep and use both to be honest XD. I honestly wanted to change from a Beagle because of the stereotype that had been sitting in my head, but after getting through that and even getting other art I think I no longer think that way and honestly could care less about the stereotype now. So a win-win!

I'm lazy. But end of 2023 or 2024 when me as a Bern would show up.

Hey wanted to share my thanks to those here on FA that served in the armed forces before of any country, and my condolences to those who've lost loved ones.

I know there's several I've seen around FA. I used to do a journal every holiday but I haven't since 2018 lol

SO, many know me as a Beagle, I love them. Beagles are cool, little, loud, obnoxious, and loud. Recent changes in my life has started to make me ask, who am I.

Recent art has been the catalyst to my new direction. I was thinking about it for quite some time subconsciously but never really acted on what I thought about it. I'll be transitioning to basically being a Bernese Mountain Dog from a Beagle. I'm still working out much of the edges and whatnot so I don't really have much more than that, though I think based on input from friends might go with a mix... with some gshep or something of the like.

Either way, a different perspective for me. I'm not yet sure what I will do with the Beagle, though I'll always remember my roots.

EFT anyone?

I'm lookin' to form a squad ready to get squatted by a chad M1911A1 with RIP

Easter time!

Some may have noticed a lot of my NSFW art and other SFW art were deleted from my gallery -- this was intentional.

I just kept feeling a bit weird looking at all of the NSFW pictures and I don't really know why. Not that I don't like NSFW arts, I do appreciate them, I just am not the "show off" or "flamboyant" type to share every thing with my/others bone in it, if you know what I mean, and I don't feel that awkwardness anymore too.
I still get them rarely/occasionally now but you won't find them posted here anymore at least for now, though you can find them on artist's pages :)

As for the SFW arts, I just personally feel some art is more than invaluable to me and would just like to keep it to myself/with any other person in the art. It's a weird ideology but ah, I won't keep artists posting their versions or other people from posting it, just wont be here anymore depending on the piece :)
If there's a piece you wanted to continue looking at/favorite on FA you can note me and I'll see if the artist posted a version of it or another person did.

So EF is now officially cancelled as I thought was going to happen...

I am not sure what I will be doing for a vacation this year, if at all. I might just take the leave and put it back in storage and just get back to work and maybe take a longer vacation next year.

I am still contemplating FC 2021, it will still likely end up being one day I go. As for EF it has been rescheduled for July 2021. I will see if I am going to EF next year too, if I do I will likely stay in Germany for a bit longer after the con and probably go see a bunch of other places. By then I could basically take a month off from work and still get paid to slack off on the other side of the world.

And my birthday is in less than 3 months.

So COVID-19 might cancel a lot of plans fur these coming months. My trip to EF might be canceled if nothing is said about it.
Being so far away from Germany it's hard for me to make last minute decisions because they can cost me thousands of dollars more and would make my trip no longer a vacation but a detriment.

So if by August 2nd nothing is said about EF I will most likely have to cancel my trip and re-plan my vacation for this year.


For 2021, I am currently planning on attending Further Confusion but it will likely only be for a day or two since I will be by myself and plus I live here in California so its cheaper. That's if COVID-19 still isn't an issue then, since the coastal cities here aren't doing too well with COVID.

In light of COVID-19, my trip to EF might be canceled or least postponed.

Living so far away from Germany, it is hard to guarantee showing up at the last minute if it is they decide just the day before that it will not be canceled or postponed.
If by August 2nd nothing comes about I will have to re-plan my vacation for the rest of the year

I have art from  Zeusdex and  Paper-Wings coming in

I think I have one more but I actually keep forgetting who I commission...

Okay doing better now.


Somehow became a Government Employee. That's nice.

rrrr-rrr-rr

Happy Howllllleleen :D

Being as my front page is cluttered, here is a journal to NOT have it cluttered.

If you favorited anything I post or watched me, thank you. I really do hope you enjoy my characters and stories <3

I'm mainly a writer but I do love to look at beautiful pieces of art <3. If you wanna talk to me, feel free to add my Telegram (@adam413) or Discord (Adam#9050) <3. I've made my NSFW favorites public, definitely swing by to show me something similar to what I happen to favorite most of the time!

WARNING:

Absolutely no one is allowed to redistribute, edit, or otherwise infringe the original works from the respective artists that I post here without either mine or the artists' explicit permission. Most of the art I upload here is extremely high resolution, meaning it is printable. You are allowed to make your own prints of the works I have without my consent but ARE NOT ALLOWED to sell them for personal gain without direct compensation being paid to the artists' themselves AND explicit permission from both me AND the artist. I watch multiple parts of the web, I'll know if it's happening or not and will take necessary [legal] action towards the printing company if it does happen to protect the artists' and I's interests.


I also do not go by either male or female, they both don't feel right, so at the very least I am "them" or "they." However rarely, "he, him." Biologically, I am a male.

My Characters:

Aaden Levaro
Beagle - 21 - Sub

Jace Peterson
Black WOLF - 23 - Dom

My Characters in another world (will clean up soon):

Lord Arnger of Sussex
Born Nobility of the Beagle bloodline, named Aaden. He is also informally known as Lord Aaden - Sub (Gay) - 28

Sir Jace
Lord Aaden's personal palace guard and Knight in shining armor (and PARTNER) - Dom (Gay) - 30 - Beefy Black Wolf

Sir Fenrir
Sir Jace's closest friend in the Palace since being inscribed to serve as Royal Palace Guards. - (Gay (closetttt)) - 33 - White/Gray Wolf



Aaden and Jace are both happily mated in my stories, look out for them :p

If you would like to draw or use my character's in your own works, whether artistic or written, feel free to without my permission! What you cannot do is claim them as your own.
If you do decide to have Aaden, Jace, or even both in your works, please tell me about them! I'd LOVE to see how someone else's perspective of these guys turns out. Make sure to read my stories about these two here on my profile to get an idea of their personalities and interests. <3

---

Friends and Awesome People!!!

To commend the people that made me feel special or awesome from their work or friendliness! If you don't see yourself here then I probably forgot :(, just remind me! Some like to pull on my leash and others wanz petz c:
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 Wolfpup17 - IRL FUR FRIEND - He's awesome! <3 Best friend you could ever have! and gay, he's gay
- Really awesome guy, to be honest, he's done things in 5 days when it took some of my "friends" in real life years to do. He's also really, really, really gay, but I like gay, *bark!*
- MM IT'S A TASTY GRAY WOLF, a cute one too. Really cool dude, he's an IT person like me! Always gets me with the sneak attack of a wolf picture! <3 <3 <3 Wuff~
- An adorable couple! They're both really awesome and caring (and hot, they're both hot) <3
- A gay bern xd REALLY gay, he's gayer than me. Is that a word? He's gay. but I like gay... HOT ~
Kyle the Flute - He's just awesome.


- I don't talk to him, but his stickers of Duncan really made me feel awesome, love them soooooo much! I LOVED the Circles series too.
- I only talk to them through email, but they made my first ever experience into this world all the merrier, without them, I wouldn't be here with this Beagle haha!
- I think she has SO MUCH more talent than she sees in herself when it comes to drawing anthro characters. JUST AWESOME!
- She's the sole reason why I even noticed this world. From Reis and Marcus to Kadar and Ahsan, the stories just made me think differently about life, I'm forever grateful for them.


Artist I'm going to to soon Commission:

 kanadakano
 msDeadSoul
 TempestOutlaw
 chakat-silverpaws
 Zeusdex
 GrizGuts

friends <3 (in no particular order)

I LOVE HIGH PIXEL DENSITIES

I'm going to be uploading the art that I can that is currently in my gallery in higher resolutions here on FA. The Original versions are around about 3x the size of the new versions.


INFO: The original artists receive the original copies that are over 3 times bigger than the uploads I'm posting here on FA. I would never post original works publicly, I always respect stuff like that whether they ask or not, it's an automatic given for me.

Long live the pixelution!

I'm ON TIME WITH A HOLIDAY for once!

Have a great day today everyone! I have no plans other than to be hypnotized by Jace the wolf.

I thought I'd make this since this would be the 4th time I forgot about who I commissioned HAHA.

Current Art List:

In order from Oldest -> Latest
ARTIST ~ COMMISSION TYPE (COMMISSIONED DATE) ~ PREVIOUS STATUS <- CURRENT STATUS -> AWAITING STATUS | EXTRA INFO/TIME STUFF


 shizu.or.fluor ~ YCH Slot (Commissioned on 12/06/2018) ~ Awaiting WIP Sketch



Completed Art:

This is all the art that I've commissioned so far including the total amount spent to-date. Whether or not the commission looks good to anyone else, I recommend each and every artist and THANK THEM ENDLESSLY for their hard work as they provided me the opportunity to commission them and bring my characters and their endeavors to life.

In order from Latest -> Oldest | Please be warned about the NSFW commissions linked here!
ARTIST ~ COMMISSION TYPE (COMMISSIONED DATE) ~ COMPLETION DATE | ART POST LINK (EXTRA INFO)


 incorgnito ~ SFW Bust Painting w/Complex Background (PAID 02/8/2018) ~ Completed 03/19/2018 | Posted on 8/26/2018

Artist's name is retracted ~ NSFW 2 Character Full Body Colored Painting w/Simple Background (PAID 03/18/2018) ~ Completed 03/27/2018 | Posted on 10/11/2018

 gammauzumaki ~ NSFW 2 Character Flat Color w/Simple Background (PAID 02/16/2018) ~ Completed 03/26/2018 | Posted on 08/19/2018

 jinxi--jax ~ NSFW Full Body Colored w/No Background (PAID 02/18/2018) ~ Completion Date Unknown but Completed | Posted on 06/11/2018

 whitemark ~ NSFW Full Body YCH w/Edited Line Base (PAID 2/7/2018) ~ Completed 3/20/2018 -> | Posted on 3/20/2018 (Original YCH Post)

 Paper-Wings ~ NSFW Full Body Rough Sketch w/Artistic Liberty (PAID 3/6/2018) ~ Completed on 3/14/2018 | Posted on 3/16/2018 (Awaited Full-Res Version)

 Incorgnito ~ SFW Shaded Color of Rough Sketch from Paper-Wings (PAID 3/4/2018) ~ Completed on 3/14/2018 | Posted on 3/14/2018

 Paper-Wings ~ SFW 2 Character Full Body w/Artistic Liberty (PAID 2/23/2018) ~ Completed on 2/28/2018 | Posted on 3/3/2018 (Waited for Artist to post first)

 gammauzumaki ~ NSFW Reference Sheet (PAID 2/16/2018) ~ Completed on 3/3/2018 | Posted 3/3/2018 by Artist

 incorgnito ~ SFW Flat Colored Bust (PAID 12/19/2017) ~ Completed 12/27/2017 | Posted 12/27/2017
^^ MY VERY FIRST EVER ANTHRO PAID REQUEST!! ^^


Total Amount Spent on Anthro Art: $400 USD over 6 Artists