sometimes i feel like my roommates stupid reactive dogs and i just want to scream whenever anything happens to me, no matter what it is
i'm relearning how to turn this energy into art
i know i haven't posted here in a while but it's becuz my band is very active these days and i'm applying myself in other fields
but i do want to come back here with more pieces soon
anyone who has looked at my work and come away with a new thought or feeling, i appreciate you very much
i promise i have more for you

how does it feel

nightmarish, ecstatic depiction of the internet as a sprawling autopoietic wilderness, mindlessly melded by hordes of cummers into a self-sustaining industrial system that turns human emotion into spent loads. hail your new pantheon.
https://www.nobudge.com/the-latest/.....eyouwinningson

new year new calendar
i made a playlist of selections from my favorite releases of 2023 check it out if you want
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1.....SF-oJWKKA4nryQ

cybin and i are gonna continue to make collaborative art, and from now on it'll be uploaded to  ASYLUMN, so follow there if you wanna see more of that stuff.
not sure how my work will be spread between here and there in the future, things are getting more serious with my band so a lot of my creative energy is going into music right now, but getting back into databending has been really good for my brain and i'm probably gonna start using that for the band too so i guess there's just gonna be a lot more of this coming up. but i also had to get a second job to make ends meet, so, things are a little up in the air right now.
but no matter what happens the art will continue.

not that i need to prove anything to anyone BUT documentation is a practical process and
and and and
i just feel so much fucking energy
building up up up and down down down
spinning widdershins
bouncing off explosion after explosion
gravity, uncaused effect, pulling and pushing over and there
2024 is going to be a big year for earth
becuz it's going to be a big year for me!
turn the beast around!
love the fear and passion!
and turn that shit upside-down, really fucking do it!
do it!
everybody say TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN
and then go home and find something and turn it upside down and think about what you did and why
think about it and think about it until you're not thinking about anything else
then think about what you're thinking about and why
what you're thinking about and why
what you're doing and why
what's going to happen and why
and then
turn that shit upside down!

i'm real! i exist. i feel existing. i feel what i can be, and what i am, and am not.
do you feel it? in me or in yourself. do you feel?
what do you think about feeling? what does it mean to feel like you do now?
what am i doing to you? what are you doing to yourself? what are we doing here?

the lid sky is turning up, ever so slightly, crreeeaaaak and something is peeking through, down, look! looking! down! through!
the hinge is working! light! lighght! photons! letting other people in, letting them look, letting them talk, and then using other people's words, other people's sounds and images, refracting and reflecting them, forming a new image, yes! it's happening, it's working! yes!
everyone can do this! anyone can do this! i'm doing it! yes!
but more! more! photons, well up, from the dark, below the floor, behind the wall, blug and glub glug, bulb bursting from photon fullness, filled to find found font! the light has always been here.
referential, darkness belies light's might, implies the bright. not here, but out there. everything is context. i make the message. my body is the staircase. i climb. up. out.

i feel horror roiling behind my back no matter what i do. i try to keep my eyes forward but where is forward when your life is a directionless vacuum? i've been an ontological parasite my whole life. now instead of just the size of one person my existential reference point is as big as all of humanity, all of this planet, all life, all cosmos. the hole gets bigger and bigger until it's the only thing left. then what?
my lids scratch my eyes. the joy hurts more than the pain.

im trying to be more expressive. ive been holding myself back a lot. i keep typing things and deleting them.
im putting myself out here more. i dont know what that means yet but im probably going to publish a lot of weird writing in these journals.
art means so much to me but i have such a hard time making it becuz i dont trust myself. im tired of living like this. no more.
first comes the trust. then comes the art. we'll see what comes after that.
gross.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzNwdiPw7ew

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