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A Change of Thought.
10 years ago
General
"A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success." - Unknown.
I'll try keeping this as short and "to the point" as possible.
(though there is a TL;DR at the bottom of this journal nonetheless.)
Truth be told this journal has been coming for a long while now, and since there is no point in beating around the bush any longer I'm just gonna come out and say it... I've decided from this point onward that I'll keep my IRL cub life just to myself.
The reasoning behind this decision was that 2015 was a crap year for me, a lot of bad stuff happened but one of things that occurred to me was my change in perception of this community. I think it was April of last year that kinda open my eyes and revealed how much I've overestimated pretty much all of my friendships on here due to couple of particular unpleasant incidents(which I won't discuss here). Because of this, it has taught me to keep a lot of personal stuff to myself as I learned that basically all my 'friends' have a lack of trust towards me, have no real interest in pursuing a real friendship with and/or they simply don't care about me as I do about them. Again it's not really their fault for doing that as they never said they were trying to pursue these things in the first place, it's just my fault for thinking otherwise.
Even when I did talk about my personal babyfur life, it didn't feel relieving or gratifying to explain my interests, it's just nerve-whacking as if I was walking across a minefield as I knew that if I say something that they wouldn't like then I knew I would be facing a shit-storm. And despite the fact that I have told a few people some things that were quite personal, I've still honestly regret saying them and if I had the opportunity to take it back, I would in less than a heartbeat.
I also did once have a meet-up with a couple of other DLs back in August to try and make some friends, which to sum up was essentially third-wheel syndrome pushed to nth degree. And as a result, it has put me off the idea of meeting up and hanging out with other babyfurs altogether. Well... For the most part, I wouldn't mind seeing other babyfurs, I just wouldn't take part in their babyfur activities.
Similar reasons could be stated about Billy as well. He means a lot to me as he represents a vulnerable side of me and considering these past experiences I've became much more protective of him. This is reflected in my gallery as I haven't posted any art since April where Billy is situation where I would consider him defenseless (such as being either being dressed like a baby or in dirty diapers, etc) as it feels too personal and the idea of humiliating him in front of bunch of strangers just made me feel uneasy. Because of this, any art that I do produce with him in those situation has been kept private and this isn't going to change (with perhaps one or two exceptions, but those were gifts from other artists and I wanted to show my respect to them). This applies to RPing as well to a degree, which is why I actively avoid placing Billy into any situation that might make him feel vulnerable during role-plays. I may change Billy's characteristics in the future to reflect this change, whether it will involve making them older, potty trained, etc. I am not sure, and really that's a journal for another time.
In all, I'm not looking for pity or anything like that, I'm an emotionally stable person and can manage just fine. I just wanted to explain these things as clearly as I can. Hopefully this doesn't change much as I still want to contribute to the community in ways that I can, and I will hopefully be able to do so in the near future.
Thank you for reading. :)
TL;DR: Keeping IRL cub life to myself and Billy will be kept more personal to me from now on.
(though there is a TL;DR at the bottom of this journal nonetheless.)
Truth be told this journal has been coming for a long while now, and since there is no point in beating around the bush any longer I'm just gonna come out and say it... I've decided from this point onward that I'll keep my IRL cub life just to myself.
The reasoning behind this decision was that 2015 was a crap year for me, a lot of bad stuff happened but one of things that occurred to me was my change in perception of this community. I think it was April of last year that kinda open my eyes and revealed how much I've overestimated pretty much all of my friendships on here due to couple of particular unpleasant incidents(which I won't discuss here). Because of this, it has taught me to keep a lot of personal stuff to myself as I learned that basically all my 'friends' have a lack of trust towards me, have no real interest in pursuing a real friendship with and/or they simply don't care about me as I do about them. Again it's not really their fault for doing that as they never said they were trying to pursue these things in the first place, it's just my fault for thinking otherwise.
Even when I did talk about my personal babyfur life, it didn't feel relieving or gratifying to explain my interests, it's just nerve-whacking as if I was walking across a minefield as I knew that if I say something that they wouldn't like then I knew I would be facing a shit-storm. And despite the fact that I have told a few people some things that were quite personal, I've still honestly regret saying them and if I had the opportunity to take it back, I would in less than a heartbeat.
I also did once have a meet-up with a couple of other DLs back in August to try and make some friends, which to sum up was essentially third-wheel syndrome pushed to nth degree. And as a result, it has put me off the idea of meeting up and hanging out with other babyfurs altogether. Well... For the most part, I wouldn't mind seeing other babyfurs, I just wouldn't take part in their babyfur activities.
Similar reasons could be stated about Billy as well. He means a lot to me as he represents a vulnerable side of me and considering these past experiences I've became much more protective of him. This is reflected in my gallery as I haven't posted any art since April where Billy is situation where I would consider him defenseless (such as being either being dressed like a baby or in dirty diapers, etc) as it feels too personal and the idea of humiliating him in front of bunch of strangers just made me feel uneasy. Because of this, any art that I do produce with him in those situation has been kept private and this isn't going to change (with perhaps one or two exceptions, but those were gifts from other artists and I wanted to show my respect to them). This applies to RPing as well to a degree, which is why I actively avoid placing Billy into any situation that might make him feel vulnerable during role-plays. I may change Billy's characteristics in the future to reflect this change, whether it will involve making them older, potty trained, etc. I am not sure, and really that's a journal for another time.
In all, I'm not looking for pity or anything like that, I'm an emotionally stable person and can manage just fine. I just wanted to explain these things as clearly as I can. Hopefully this doesn't change much as I still want to contribute to the community in ways that I can, and I will hopefully be able to do so in the near future.
Thank you for reading. :)
TL;DR: Keeping IRL cub life to myself and Billy will be kept more personal to me from now on.
Life is full of good choices and bad choices and either way, you need to learn from both.
Do what you feel you need to do. I know we haven't talked much, but it's been a privilege to make your acquaintance and get to see a little bit about you through the art that you have shared here.
Billy is an amazing and adorable character and I hope he stays with you and brings you happiness for years to come. *ahem* I have a special affinity for borders. *ahem* My secret. I'll let you figure that out for yourself. :-D
Anyway, just a random fur expressing his support for you and your decisions.
Be well pup!
Swifty
Thank you Swifty for taking the time to read my journal, it means a lot to me. And it's also been a privilege to me to know you even though we haven't talked much.
It really is something I need to work out for myself, even if it means doing things that I thought might be a little extreme. But I do think it's for the best.
D'aww... I'm so glad you like Billy. And I could never let Billy go, I've had him for nearly 4 years now and we've both grown a lot since then so we're both in it for the long run.
Sorry you've had a rough year and all that. I think it's perfectly fine to keep that kind of personal stuff to yourself, you do what you have to do to feel secure, and just because you don't share that bit doesn't mean there isn't other bits of your unique personality and interests that you can share with the world :D
I get a lot of that third wheel syndrome stuff going out to furmeets too, so I can sympathize with that. Sometimes it can seem pretty hard to make new and lasting connections. But I'm always here if you'd like to talk about stuff! Even if it is just through the internet -w-
Yeah, it's not a nice feeling being the third-wheel and especially when it involves around something sensitive so I've concluded it's best to avoid it altogether. And aww... That's so kind of you, Aaron.
I know we're not close friends and we don't talk much, but if you ever do feel like sharing anything through FA notes, I'd always be happy to listen and I would never pass judgment on anything. I'd say the same for Skype except that I don't really get on Skype much, as you may have noticed.
*Hugs Billy. I've always thought you were super cool.
And thank you kindly for the offer, it does mean a lot to me.
*Hugs back* Thanks Digitz, I think you're super cool too.