Im going to explain this here, as its a difficult thing to say once, let alone lots of times to lots of people who geniuinly want to know whats up. Now, i feel that this is something that most if not all of the people i know cannot really help me with, as such that thought tends to give reason for me not to say it at all so as not to burden others.
Those of you who do know, i have children, 2 Daughters to be exact, my eldest turns 6 this coming new years day, my youngest turning 5 in febuary. However they dont live with me, they live with their mother, i have full access to my girls, and i see them every sat without fail and any other days i can manage. the issue is, as much as i can see my girls, i still miss alot, i dont get to help them get up in the morning for school, i rarley get to pick them up and hear about their day, i wasnt there to be the tooth fairy when my eldests teeth fell out, all of the little details like that i miss, only knowing about it when i get told by them or their mother. Then theres the leaving after each visit, i cannot ever shake the sheer look of devestation on my youngests face when i tell her after reading her a story and tucking her in that i have to go home now, that i will see her soon, she cant not grizzle or cry, my eldest is a little more use to it but even she has to ask, Why cant i stay? Can i sleep over. Today though was the worst, i spent 3 days there for xmas, both started to cry as i began getting my things into the car, as i got my last bag they had got out of bed and were stood by their bedroom door, just, looking at me. I cannot possibly describe the sadness in their eyes. All of this just makes me feel like a big tub of fail, i know its not just my fault but the fact i can do little about it, that everything i miss, all the days im not there, ill never get that back, ill never get a chance to have that time again, a very daunting realisation i can tell you. For all of my recent attempts at being "positive" which have been successful, just one look from my girls as i leave can turn the best week into the worst.

Whats worse is, i dont know anyone in the same position, none. Can you see why i feel its pointless to talk about this to anybody? what would you say? what would you advise? not alot if you havent been or are in this situation. This is one of the reasons why i am so down, why i reclude myself this is my burden to bear for me to deal with. Im putting this here because i know i cant keep doing this alone and right now i have the clarity to say it which i may not have tommorow. So there we have it, one of the big pieces of my depressed mind out in the open.