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The Sinking Feeling of Depression ( Conclusion)
10 years ago
General
So, something has really been eating away at my mind recently, leaving me with spells of depression, anger, and doubt.
I'm so tired of feeling like the world views me as a monster, a lunatic, or a lost cause. I am not a monster.
I am a bright young man, with a world of potential in me, the right and ability to better myself, and the world, deep within me. But something's wrong.
I feel like I lack the... motivation, or am being hindered mentally, to unlock my potential; to become what I should be or want to be. I want to learn things, I want to practice a trade, I want to be among other bright minds.
I feel ill, like this anger is a root of, not my mind, but of outside influence. I want to be around intelligent thoughts, bright minds looking towards the future and always looking for the solutions. But I remain here, struggling to find mindless jobs among people who dwell on the past, and look no further than the present.
I know who I am, and what I was, and I have changed (And not for the better). I was... caring, shy, but very intelligent, very curious, up to a point. And then I became what I fantasized being, for my own means.
Why should I feel like I have to be scary, or tough, or a maniac. I'm not a monster. I am ill in the head. And it's crippling.
I just... really want someone or something to shine for me. To help me shine my own light. I NEED someone who's already on their path, who is confident and smart, who has their shit together and can be the one I look to for confidence to push harder, and stop this sedentary life of depression and anger.
I have felt alone... for so long. Despite the numbers around me. And it has driven me to suicidal thinking, to hateful plotting, and to mindless endeavors. I deserve better. And I'm willing to take the steps to move forward, and not just ride this wave. I'd rather swim my own course, not let the tide drag me back in.
This is not some plea for undue attention. This is not some whacked out suicide letter.
This is the conclusion I have drawn over a long time. And I feel it's about time I realized it. I don't know what to do. And I don't know how to solve it. I just can't be this me, because I know it is NOT me.
I'm so tired of feeling like the world views me as a monster, a lunatic, or a lost cause. I am not a monster.
I am a bright young man, with a world of potential in me, the right and ability to better myself, and the world, deep within me. But something's wrong.
I feel like I lack the... motivation, or am being hindered mentally, to unlock my potential; to become what I should be or want to be. I want to learn things, I want to practice a trade, I want to be among other bright minds.
I feel ill, like this anger is a root of, not my mind, but of outside influence. I want to be around intelligent thoughts, bright minds looking towards the future and always looking for the solutions. But I remain here, struggling to find mindless jobs among people who dwell on the past, and look no further than the present.
I know who I am, and what I was, and I have changed (And not for the better). I was... caring, shy, but very intelligent, very curious, up to a point. And then I became what I fantasized being, for my own means.
Why should I feel like I have to be scary, or tough, or a maniac. I'm not a monster. I am ill in the head. And it's crippling.
I just... really want someone or something to shine for me. To help me shine my own light. I NEED someone who's already on their path, who is confident and smart, who has their shit together and can be the one I look to for confidence to push harder, and stop this sedentary life of depression and anger.
I have felt alone... for so long. Despite the numbers around me. And it has driven me to suicidal thinking, to hateful plotting, and to mindless endeavors. I deserve better. And I'm willing to take the steps to move forward, and not just ride this wave. I'd rather swim my own course, not let the tide drag me back in.
This is not some plea for undue attention. This is not some whacked out suicide letter.
This is the conclusion I have drawn over a long time. And I feel it's about time I realized it. I don't know what to do. And I don't know how to solve it. I just can't be this me, because I know it is NOT me.
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