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S'been a while...
17 years ago
General
Mood: Tired. Stressed. Impossibly in love.
Lots has happened since my last journal. I went to San Antonio, Texas March 12th. Stayed until Sunday.
Was awesome. Gave me drive to get the hell out of Yuma. Small towns drive me crazy it seems.
Well, I talked to my school's administration about Knutson. They've implemented this new system of allowable contact. Public displays of affection are extremely limited. And that's not just from my experience with awkward, and inappropriate situations.
A few kids got arrested for sexually harassing a freshman. It's not my business, so I didn't butt in at all...
Anyway. Back to San Antonio.
The hotel we stayed in was called The Crockett Hotel. We were literally right across the street from the Alamo. That was some mind-tripping stuff. I'm not a well-traveled girl, so that blew my mind.
It was a pleasant trip, but it didn't feel like a vacation.
I went with my bio-dad and his wife. We had fun, and I got to see his side of things for a change.
I went to Texas for my brother's basic training graduation. He's in the Air Force now. I'm so proud of him. I've never really considered myself a patriotic person, but seeing my baby brother in his blue made me very proud to be an American. I know, sappy, right? But really true.
He's doing great. He's in Mississippi for school. I don't talk to him much, but I know he's busy.
I miss him.
He makes me want to leave Yuma for other reasons.
I feel a little torn on the "moving away" stuff.
I'm fairly rooted in Yuma. This is my home, for more intensive purposes. It's forced on me, but it's still home.
My best friends are here. The ones that you only find once in your life.
We've all been together for years.
They keep me tethered here.
But my other loved ones are elsewhere, like Rynn.
I don't talk about him much.
I don't know whether it's right to talk about him-- No, he wants me to tell the world how awesome I think he is, even though he doesn't think it himself. His views of himself are really low, though I think they've approved since I met him... and started dating him. ;D (Love you.)
We've been dating a while now. Internet dating doesn't apply to us anymore... It's a long-distance relationship...
We've never met in-person before.
That scares the crap outta me, ya know?
How can someone possibly be so in love with anyone knowing so little of them?
Well, goddammit. No matter how much I don't know about him physically, I make up with stupid questions and scenarios that gauge his reactions. I analyze every answer he gives me.
And it's not always like that. Actually, most of the time we talk it's just a lot of fun.
I almost feel him there.
Like tonight, he wanted to snuggle with me in bed, and I was almost willing him there through my cell phone, I could imagine so clearly how it would be to curve my body into his and fall asleep!
I can't wait for this summer. I hope everything works out.
That's when he's supposed to be coming to visit.
We gotta earn up the cash. Sucks being unemployed and all.
That'll change this summer, too.
I had never intended falling so in love with him. Actually, after the break up (which is a muddy topic) with Kyle (my recent ex)..(And was partly caused by my deep feelings for Rynn)... (i'mma explain soon.)-- we had an internet thing, after knowing each other in the physical state, too.
I wasn't as willing to do things with Kyle as I am Rynn. I never intended to be in a long distance relationship past Kyle. In fact, I simply swore I would never go through the heartache again. But I fell too hard for Rynn. I seriously don't know anyone like him. I've never met anyone like him. He makes me so happy to be alive, just to hear his voice. He give me a drive, and a reason that I had never expected to have in life. I feel like... (I'mma say it.) I feel like a woman, and I feel right with him. No confusion with us.
I used to be... well... A little promiscuous while with Kyle.
That's how I met Rynn. We were both going through the "I'MMA BE A WHORE ON THE 'NET CUZ IT DON'T COUNT" phase.
In retrospect, not the smartest thing I ever did.
I never felt faithful to Kyle, because in the back of my head-- there was always Rynn. I was in love with Rynn, and wanted him.
He was always there, and always that thought of "what would it be like?".
So, Rynn and I had an on-off thing going for a while. Then nothing. Then another fling...
Then we were friends.
There was no pattern. I couldn't get to the computer when he was, and he was always... I dunno.. heh, he was very popular. Even when he was with his girlfriend Orika , I think I loved him. (That was a rough patch, for sure. ;O)
Finally, one day, I 'simply' told him I cared for him more than a platonic friend would.
Loved him, in fact.
And we ended up not being able to speak for a while, not that we didn't want to! He's said he missed me way too much than normal.
And once he said he loved me, too.
That was an awesome night. Set my perspective of love and relationships into throws of chaos.
I was with Kyle again, not too long after the 'confession' Rynn and I had.
I had loved Kyle deeply.
Loved him more than anyone before him.
I thought we were soul mates at a point...
But I was a little girl when I met him.
That little girl grew up, and out of love possibly... Realized that it wasn't my love for him keeping me with him. How could I be in love with two men at the same time? It happens, I'm sure.
But not to me. I wasn't going to be in love with two men at once. I was not going to be riped apart over something so impossibly complex. Emotion and the sway of a woman's heart is irratic, senseless and chaotic! I don't fall out of love like some fickle tart. I loved Rynn. I love Rynn. The day I met him, something changed in me. I wanted to change for him. I wanted to be good enough to be his friend. Not in the bad way. To see myself along side him, on the level he is.
I don't fall in love easily. Well... I'm not sure about that. What I should say is, "When I'm in love, I'm in love."
Rynn just came along and swept my vision of love away like dust. It wasn't his fault. He was the catalyst. My fire. Heh.
He makes me fiercely committed to us. I so jealously guard him, and I'm so possessive over him. I willed myself to him in the universe. We're an amazing match, I think.
So much has happened between us, that I think none of my other relationships match us in depth, or maturity.
A fraction of Kyle is still in there, strictly nostalgia, I believe, but I'm not in love with him anymore.
No... My heart goes to the kindest, most caring, impossibly wonderful man a thousand miles away from me.
I love you, Rynn. No matter the distance. You're always gonna be in my heart, my head, my thoughts.
Don't worry so much, 'kay? :3
Lots has happened since my last journal. I went to San Antonio, Texas March 12th. Stayed until Sunday.
Was awesome. Gave me drive to get the hell out of Yuma. Small towns drive me crazy it seems.
Well, I talked to my school's administration about Knutson. They've implemented this new system of allowable contact. Public displays of affection are extremely limited. And that's not just from my experience with awkward, and inappropriate situations.
A few kids got arrested for sexually harassing a freshman. It's not my business, so I didn't butt in at all...
Anyway. Back to San Antonio.
The hotel we stayed in was called The Crockett Hotel. We were literally right across the street from the Alamo. That was some mind-tripping stuff. I'm not a well-traveled girl, so that blew my mind.
It was a pleasant trip, but it didn't feel like a vacation.
I went with my bio-dad and his wife. We had fun, and I got to see his side of things for a change.
I went to Texas for my brother's basic training graduation. He's in the Air Force now. I'm so proud of him. I've never really considered myself a patriotic person, but seeing my baby brother in his blue made me very proud to be an American. I know, sappy, right? But really true.
He's doing great. He's in Mississippi for school. I don't talk to him much, but I know he's busy.
I miss him.
He makes me want to leave Yuma for other reasons.
I feel a little torn on the "moving away" stuff.
I'm fairly rooted in Yuma. This is my home, for more intensive purposes. It's forced on me, but it's still home.
My best friends are here. The ones that you only find once in your life.
We've all been together for years.
They keep me tethered here.
But my other loved ones are elsewhere, like Rynn.
I don't talk about him much.
I don't know whether it's right to talk about him-- No, he wants me to tell the world how awesome I think he is, even though he doesn't think it himself. His views of himself are really low, though I think they've approved since I met him... and started dating him. ;D (Love you.)
We've been dating a while now. Internet dating doesn't apply to us anymore... It's a long-distance relationship...
We've never met in-person before.
That scares the crap outta me, ya know?
How can someone possibly be so in love with anyone knowing so little of them?
Well, goddammit. No matter how much I don't know about him physically, I make up with stupid questions and scenarios that gauge his reactions. I analyze every answer he gives me.
And it's not always like that. Actually, most of the time we talk it's just a lot of fun.
I almost feel him there.
Like tonight, he wanted to snuggle with me in bed, and I was almost willing him there through my cell phone, I could imagine so clearly how it would be to curve my body into his and fall asleep!
I can't wait for this summer. I hope everything works out.
That's when he's supposed to be coming to visit.
We gotta earn up the cash. Sucks being unemployed and all.
That'll change this summer, too.
I had never intended falling so in love with him. Actually, after the break up (which is a muddy topic) with Kyle (my recent ex)..(And was partly caused by my deep feelings for Rynn)... (i'mma explain soon.)-- we had an internet thing, after knowing each other in the physical state, too.
I wasn't as willing to do things with Kyle as I am Rynn. I never intended to be in a long distance relationship past Kyle. In fact, I simply swore I would never go through the heartache again. But I fell too hard for Rynn. I seriously don't know anyone like him. I've never met anyone like him. He makes me so happy to be alive, just to hear his voice. He give me a drive, and a reason that I had never expected to have in life. I feel like... (I'mma say it.) I feel like a woman, and I feel right with him. No confusion with us.
I used to be... well... A little promiscuous while with Kyle.
That's how I met Rynn. We were both going through the "I'MMA BE A WHORE ON THE 'NET CUZ IT DON'T COUNT" phase.
In retrospect, not the smartest thing I ever did.
I never felt faithful to Kyle, because in the back of my head-- there was always Rynn. I was in love with Rynn, and wanted him.
He was always there, and always that thought of "what would it be like?".
So, Rynn and I had an on-off thing going for a while. Then nothing. Then another fling...
Then we were friends.
There was no pattern. I couldn't get to the computer when he was, and he was always... I dunno.. heh, he was very popular. Even when he was with his girlfriend Orika , I think I loved him. (That was a rough patch, for sure. ;O)
Finally, one day, I 'simply' told him I cared for him more than a platonic friend would.
Loved him, in fact.
And we ended up not being able to speak for a while, not that we didn't want to! He's said he missed me way too much than normal.
And once he said he loved me, too.
That was an awesome night. Set my perspective of love and relationships into throws of chaos.
I was with Kyle again, not too long after the 'confession' Rynn and I had.
I had loved Kyle deeply.
Loved him more than anyone before him.
I thought we were soul mates at a point...
But I was a little girl when I met him.
That little girl grew up, and out of love possibly... Realized that it wasn't my love for him keeping me with him. How could I be in love with two men at the same time? It happens, I'm sure.
But not to me. I wasn't going to be in love with two men at once. I was not going to be riped apart over something so impossibly complex. Emotion and the sway of a woman's heart is irratic, senseless and chaotic! I don't fall out of love like some fickle tart. I loved Rynn. I love Rynn. The day I met him, something changed in me. I wanted to change for him. I wanted to be good enough to be his friend. Not in the bad way. To see myself along side him, on the level he is.
I don't fall in love easily. Well... I'm not sure about that. What I should say is, "When I'm in love, I'm in love."
Rynn just came along and swept my vision of love away like dust. It wasn't his fault. He was the catalyst. My fire. Heh.
He makes me fiercely committed to us. I so jealously guard him, and I'm so possessive over him. I willed myself to him in the universe. We're an amazing match, I think.
So much has happened between us, that I think none of my other relationships match us in depth, or maturity.
A fraction of Kyle is still in there, strictly nostalgia, I believe, but I'm not in love with him anymore.
No... My heart goes to the kindest, most caring, impossibly wonderful man a thousand miles away from me.
I love you, Rynn. No matter the distance. You're always gonna be in my heart, my head, my thoughts.
Don't worry so much, 'kay? :3
