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Moving too fast
12 years ago
General
I feel like life has been moving too fast lately. Homework has kept me sitting at the desk almost 24/7 and I'm starting to feel the lack of sleep catch up to me. I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep for the last 2-3 months. I just had my Eagle Scout court of honor this weekend and that was fun but also full of emotions. In track I've taken on long jump and in doing so got one of the toughest coaches on the team. I almost always have to leave early from the track meets to go to scout meetings and he's starting to get pretty angry about it. I keep thinking back to when I was 4 years old, wishing I was the same naiive child, running around camp fires and playing ghost in the graveyard with friends or playing with pumps in the back hard while my sister had friends over. I often bring myself close to tears thinking about these memories, yearning for a chance to relive them. I want to slow down to play like I used to but I feel like I've already forgotten how. It's like I'm a slave to school and everything around me and I can't earn my freedom. When you earn the rank of Eagle Scout, they compare it to being on top of a mountain, looking out over the sunset and those who followed your path, but instead I feel like I've walked into the pit of a volcano, with life being an unbearable weight pulling me further in. I can give up and throw the weight into the pit, but doing so would make any possibility of a future disappear. I don't know where to turn and the lava keeps rising, beconing me to throw off my burdens and give up.
Mars714
~mars714
What you have to think about is your own happiness. If the scouts don't make you happy anymore, maybe cut back your scout duties. Or maybe your done with the scouts. You can't overwork yourself.
Timrian212
~timrian212
OP
The problem isn't with scouts. I'm just thinking about it more because I just earned my eagle. My main issie is the homework. I am normally pretty introverted but the last 3-5 months I have been so isolated by homework that I have only had one time that I actually got to turn on my soldering iron and work on my projects. I'm practically in a jail cell, unable to leave until my eventual release from this cell to go into another. When I reached the top of eagle mountain I should have been able to look to my left and see the sunset as others follow the trail that I blazed on my right. I look left and right but only see more paper and bars closing in. I try to escape and earn my freedom only to have another larger stack thrown into the cell like food given to an animal at the zoo. While this is happening I look through the bars to see people walking by, some giving me a glance of disgust and others making an effort to walk over and spit at me. I see people outside playing in the soft grasses of youth and others struggling to make more cells for the incoming population. I sit and try to comprehend what it would be like when my parole is up. I remember when I was young and naiive, running with the other children in the meadows and enjoying the sunshine. The memories and nostalgia they bring often bring me close to tears, unable to talk about them with somebody I can trust to keep my secrets safe. Some are kind enough to urge me on to succeed but I'm starting to forget who I am and who I used to be. I've always been told that I have a good future ahead of me but I'm not sure if it's the future that I want or what somebody else thinks I should do. I may have reached the summit of the mountain but my view is obscured by the bars and fences in the way. I put on a mask of dignity and happiness but underneath I conceal my fears and sorrows, a Pandora's box that can destroy only me.
