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I Learned Today That Everyone Hates Me
12 years ago
General
And I can't say I'm the least bit surprised. I mean, who wouldn't'? I'm a mouthy, over-zealous, short-tempered, deliberately-insensitive-when-angry, foul-mouthed, short-sighted, DYSFUNCTIONAL piece of fat, ugly, useless drivel. And no, that is NOT fishing for asspats or looking for sympathy, that's the honest-to-goodness truth. I'm garbage. I've ALWAYS been garbage, and always WILL be garbage.
Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, the bedrock caves out from under me and drops me into an even DEEPER hole. I'm pretty much at my lowest point right now. My eyes have been opened to JUST how many people utterly despise me, and rightly so. I have more than enough irredeemable qualities to want to make any sane reasonable person run and never look back. Let's list them, shall we?
1) I act without thinking. I'll say the first damn thing that comes to mind more often than I'll sit and consider it a bit before acting. I'll impulsively say/type the FIRST thing that pops into my brain, just because it feels good/right/relieving at the time, without any thought to the consequences. And as a result, I make myself look like a lot of awful things--racist, misogynist, psycho ... you name it. And I have no one to blame but myself.
2) I can't keep this fucking stupid disorder in line, which makes me a failure. I've let this thing run rampant, because I literally just don't know how to fucking manage it. And it'll be awhile before I'm able to start working with a DBT specialist. But in the meantime, this ... THING ... is running wild, like a bull in a fucking china shop, and I can't fucking wrangle it. That makes me LESS than useless. This thing is taking over my life, to the point of not even wanting to HAVE one. I've lost count of the number of times I've just wanted to ... "give up" ... within the past 2 months. I'm trying so hard to hold on, but it's difficult when it doesn't even feel like it's worth it. That sticking around just causes nothing but pain and misery for myself and others. And those thoughts scare the crap out of me.
3) I have a hideous temper, thanks to this fucking disorder. As a result, I've been SO abusive towards people who don't deserve it ... and made myself look like a jackass to others for being abusive towards those that DO. I'm no better than a rabies-stricken animal, and it makes me ill to realize that. I'm unhinged, unstable, and a giant walking mess. Nobody deserves to have to deal with the dysfunctional rancid glory that is ... me. Big ol' stupid, nasty-tempered me. The smart ones will run, rather than get involved with a seething lunatic like I am...
4) I'm an unmotivated useless shitbag. The number of ideas/projects/unmet goals just sitting around gathering dust around me is just ... stifling. I can never get a single damn thing finished or accomplished. And it takes me forever to get to the things that I don't just WANT to do, but NEED to do. I'm a big, stupid, lazy lump of garbage. How anyone ever have the patience to put up with me is just beyond my ability to understand. I'm not worth waiting around for, just to see if I'll ever follow through or finally shift off of my fat lazy ass. I'm just NOT fucking worth it. I'm a wasted investment, in every possible meaning of the term.
5) I'm a thin-skinned coward. I can dish out all SORTS of vile and despicable crap at EVERYONE around me, but can I take even a TENTH of it right back? NOOOOOOOOOOO! It's disgusting. I'm falling to pieces all because a bunch of people I'll prolly never even meet in person, in a closed community, said a bunch of true things about me. What does that make me if not a weak-willed coward? No sane, functional person would react this way to criticism--DESERVED criticism. I'm a special kind of loser to profess how others should "harden the fuck up", and me running around acting like a hard-ass, when all the while ... I can't take the stink of my own shit, nor follow my own advice.
In conclusion, I'm useless. I'm the huge greasy turd that just won't flush. I act like I'm so big and bad, when my supposed "strength" doesn't come from confidence or courage ... it just comes from giving into savage baser instincts, and indulging my own insanity-induced impulses. Why anyone would ever want to be AROUND me, talk to me, be nice to me, or associate with me in ANY way, for ANY reason ... is just a complete mystery to me. Thankfully, those people are few, and the vast majority of them see me for what I -really- am.
A piece of shit.
Right now, I feel like doing a lot of ... BAD things. Doing myself harm in punishment of how disgusting I am is high on that list. Going on a self-destructive campaign all over the internet to burn every bridge I ever had and just finish destroying my reputation completely is also pretty high up there. But highest of all is the desire to just ... RUN. To get the hell away from EVERYONE in this fandom. The good, the bad, ALL of it. I'd be doing the people who hate me a favor, and I'd be sparing the poor damn fools who stick by me, so why not...? I -should- just ... disappear from here. To vanish off the face of the fandom, so that all that's left of me are the stories of my legendary level of vileness. So that all that's left is my infamy. It'd be a fitting end to over 11 years of making myself look like an idiot to others in here. Barely anyone would even lament at my leaving anyway...
...All I know for sure is that right now, I'm just about the most broken I've ever been, and THE closest I've EVER been to leaving the furry fandom for good. I'm SO fucking close ... so, so, SO fucking close. I still don't know if I am or not, but I'm teetering on the edge. I just can't cope with all this right now. And the best part is that I COMPLETELY deserve to feel this way. Karma works after all, I guess.
I'm withdrawing a LOT after this, as I consider whether or not I'm leaving this fandom. You won't be seeing any new journals from me (tho I'll try my best to reply to people in this one, if people even bother to say anything), and you definitely won't see me actively involved in anything either here or elsewhere. At most, I'll be faving things, posting stuff to my Tumblr occasionally, and (tho I doubt anyone will be interested or care) uploading adoptables for sale here on FA. Beyond that, I'm completely unplugging myself, until I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Much as I'd love to just continue to talk at great length and in graphic detail about how horrible I am, I'll end this here. Those of you who want to reach out to me (you poor damn fools) know the ways to do so. Take care.
Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, the bedrock caves out from under me and drops me into an even DEEPER hole. I'm pretty much at my lowest point right now. My eyes have been opened to JUST how many people utterly despise me, and rightly so. I have more than enough irredeemable qualities to want to make any sane reasonable person run and never look back. Let's list them, shall we?
1) I act without thinking. I'll say the first damn thing that comes to mind more often than I'll sit and consider it a bit before acting. I'll impulsively say/type the FIRST thing that pops into my brain, just because it feels good/right/relieving at the time, without any thought to the consequences. And as a result, I make myself look like a lot of awful things--racist, misogynist, psycho ... you name it. And I have no one to blame but myself.
2) I can't keep this fucking stupid disorder in line, which makes me a failure. I've let this thing run rampant, because I literally just don't know how to fucking manage it. And it'll be awhile before I'm able to start working with a DBT specialist. But in the meantime, this ... THING ... is running wild, like a bull in a fucking china shop, and I can't fucking wrangle it. That makes me LESS than useless. This thing is taking over my life, to the point of not even wanting to HAVE one. I've lost count of the number of times I've just wanted to ... "give up" ... within the past 2 months. I'm trying so hard to hold on, but it's difficult when it doesn't even feel like it's worth it. That sticking around just causes nothing but pain and misery for myself and others. And those thoughts scare the crap out of me.
3) I have a hideous temper, thanks to this fucking disorder. As a result, I've been SO abusive towards people who don't deserve it ... and made myself look like a jackass to others for being abusive towards those that DO. I'm no better than a rabies-stricken animal, and it makes me ill to realize that. I'm unhinged, unstable, and a giant walking mess. Nobody deserves to have to deal with the dysfunctional rancid glory that is ... me. Big ol' stupid, nasty-tempered me. The smart ones will run, rather than get involved with a seething lunatic like I am...
4) I'm an unmotivated useless shitbag. The number of ideas/projects/unmet goals just sitting around gathering dust around me is just ... stifling. I can never get a single damn thing finished or accomplished. And it takes me forever to get to the things that I don't just WANT to do, but NEED to do. I'm a big, stupid, lazy lump of garbage. How anyone ever have the patience to put up with me is just beyond my ability to understand. I'm not worth waiting around for, just to see if I'll ever follow through or finally shift off of my fat lazy ass. I'm just NOT fucking worth it. I'm a wasted investment, in every possible meaning of the term.
5) I'm a thin-skinned coward. I can dish out all SORTS of vile and despicable crap at EVERYONE around me, but can I take even a TENTH of it right back? NOOOOOOOOOOO! It's disgusting. I'm falling to pieces all because a bunch of people I'll prolly never even meet in person, in a closed community, said a bunch of true things about me. What does that make me if not a weak-willed coward? No sane, functional person would react this way to criticism--DESERVED criticism. I'm a special kind of loser to profess how others should "harden the fuck up", and me running around acting like a hard-ass, when all the while ... I can't take the stink of my own shit, nor follow my own advice.
In conclusion, I'm useless. I'm the huge greasy turd that just won't flush. I act like I'm so big and bad, when my supposed "strength" doesn't come from confidence or courage ... it just comes from giving into savage baser instincts, and indulging my own insanity-induced impulses. Why anyone would ever want to be AROUND me, talk to me, be nice to me, or associate with me in ANY way, for ANY reason ... is just a complete mystery to me. Thankfully, those people are few, and the vast majority of them see me for what I -really- am.
A piece of shit.
Right now, I feel like doing a lot of ... BAD things. Doing myself harm in punishment of how disgusting I am is high on that list. Going on a self-destructive campaign all over the internet to burn every bridge I ever had and just finish destroying my reputation completely is also pretty high up there. But highest of all is the desire to just ... RUN. To get the hell away from EVERYONE in this fandom. The good, the bad, ALL of it. I'd be doing the people who hate me a favor, and I'd be sparing the poor damn fools who stick by me, so why not...? I -should- just ... disappear from here. To vanish off the face of the fandom, so that all that's left of me are the stories of my legendary level of vileness. So that all that's left is my infamy. It'd be a fitting end to over 11 years of making myself look like an idiot to others in here. Barely anyone would even lament at my leaving anyway...
...All I know for sure is that right now, I'm just about the most broken I've ever been, and THE closest I've EVER been to leaving the furry fandom for good. I'm SO fucking close ... so, so, SO fucking close. I still don't know if I am or not, but I'm teetering on the edge. I just can't cope with all this right now. And the best part is that I COMPLETELY deserve to feel this way. Karma works after all, I guess.
I'm withdrawing a LOT after this, as I consider whether or not I'm leaving this fandom. You won't be seeing any new journals from me (tho I'll try my best to reply to people in this one, if people even bother to say anything), and you definitely won't see me actively involved in anything either here or elsewhere. At most, I'll be faving things, posting stuff to my Tumblr occasionally, and (tho I doubt anyone will be interested or care) uploading adoptables for sale here on FA. Beyond that, I'm completely unplugging myself, until I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Much as I'd love to just continue to talk at great length and in graphic detail about how horrible I am, I'll end this here. Those of you who want to reach out to me (you poor damn fools) know the ways to do so. Take care.
I've somehow managed to pull myself together well enough (barely) to go to class, albeit over an hour late, but ... I'll poke you on Skype when I get home tonight, okay...? I promise not to do anything stupid until I get back... <3
I guess you could say that I'm scared that I won't remember how to recapture the essence of a -good- quality of life without them, once I get through my DBT program. Mostly because I don't have a lot of faith or affection towards myself, which makes things ... difficult.
(and I apologize if I've said anything dumb here, it wasn't my intention xx)
But still, thanks very much for the well-wishes and that there are some people who at least like me more than I do. <3
You just gotta learn when you pull your punches, you know?
Sometimes it's better to just step out of a fight, especially when it has to be up to the person its about to defend themselves.
Sometimes you just have to stop and think for a minute before hitting enter.
Hell, sometimes I still sit there and write out really long replies to people and then I just navigate away before hitting enter. It helps let the stress out but also, you don't risk the possible backlash.
No one is perfect.
I admitted myself to counseling a couple months ago and sought help. Learned how to control myself better. Learned how to consider the feelings of others. It's hard! It's so hard! Especially when there are a lot of people out there I do not like, nor agree with. But that's how the world works. You can't like or agree with people 100% of the time, and how boring things would be if that were the case.
You just gotta stop and THINK. That's the most important part. Take an extra 5 seconds and think "is this going to hurt someone ELSE unintentionally?"
It's just been a continually thing for me lately, of me fucking up somehow and then just working myself up into a "look, see? you ARE trash" kind of self-destructive spiral. Over-analyzing my every flaw and just ... FIXATING on it. I know it doesn't help, given how over-sensitive my condition already makes me, but I can't shut off all that toxic internal dialogue. =/
I'm still helplessly clinging to the hope that once I start my therapy, things'll start slowly turning around, so that even if I -do- decide to bow out of the fandom, I might someday be emotionally healthy enough to rejoin.
You'll get better. :) Only up from here, right? Just take everything one day at a time.
All that said, I can still wish you well in finding the help you need to get everything under control. You're doing the right thing in stepping back until that happens, and I hope you can come back a better, stronger person with your head high, who can hang out with people without trying to impress them. When that day comes, I wouldn't mind re-getting to know you. Good luck!
Still, I appreciate the well-wishes, and I hope that someday I can manage to come off as seeming like less of a vile piece of trash and be deserving of a higher opinion.
And I'll say it here, even though I'll probably still get crap for it, but I won't get jumped as bad as somewhere else. Nigga isn't really racist, hence why you'll catch a lot of young black kids calling each other that. Along with they seem like they're being cool when they're doing it. ^^; The other term is more so. Though to take a line from George Carlin the word itself isn't bad. It's what's attached to the word and essentially who is using it and how. I also got reminded of a line, from a movie I believe and I don't remember which one, that was something like, "I'm not a racist I just don't like stereotypes."
But either way I wouldn't sit and brew on all of this too much. As some people did say remember it's just crap on a drama site essentially. That's why I said I don't get too involved or take much of anything that people say too seriously. That or really have all that much contact with any of the people that are involved in it.
But again you know I"m always just a text or call away if you do need it or to talk about something random or whatever.
Thanks for texting with me today and helping me work through all my ... stuff. It was better than the alternative coping solution I usually default to... =/
I genuinely hope you get the help that you need. I can't imagine how much it must hurt to deal with a disorder like that.
I'm no good to ANYONE like this, least of all myself. At first the idea of starting DBT terrified me, but now I'm more afraid of life the way it is NOW. Especially with as frequently as I've found myself wishing I didn't have one anymore at all. This isn't any way to live. Unable to cope with all of the normal day-to-day emotional responses, and not knowing if one day it'll all become too much to handle and I'll ... do something. And I know it's the inevitable conclusion, because I don't feel any desire to live, just for the sake of wanting to live. The only thing that's keeping me hear is not wanting to hurt others with my passing. What happens when that suddenly isn't enough to keep me hanging on...?
I can't deal the idea of something horrible like that happening. My life wasted and innocent people getting hurt and traumatized ... that can't happen.
Sorry to ramble at you, but ... I guess the point of all this is thanks for not hating my guts (even if I feel it's deserved) and popping in to toss in your support. It really means a lot, at a time like this.
And I had to say something. Whereas I understand the reaction people have had to what was specifically said, I also understand what it's like to know there's something wrong inside of you and not know how to fix it. (Mine is undiagnosed, though I have my suspicions, but I know it's there, and I'll get a professional opinion as soon as my insurance situation is straightened out.)
Take care of yourself, and try to hang in there. It will get better.
And once again, thanks so much for stopping by and offering the words of encouragement and well-wishes.
Sorry you're going through a rough patch, hope things get better soon.