Seeing A last night opened up alot more than I thought it would. We got into my deep resentment towards my lack of love emitional support and protection I got from my family most in particular my Mother.

That was something I had been trying to cope and deal with for years being made to feel guilty or not good enough for them moreso her.

Of course I couldnt hold it in with she touched base that when people do thi gs that reflect how she had been to me its a huge trigger, I realised what alot if arguements I was having with Z was really down to something he did that would have been something she did to me so automatically i go on protect myself defense mode.

Sadly last night against A's advice I went home alone. I should have had someone at home with me as it was a very emotional session alit if pain and hurt got brought to service a lot if tears cried ( from us both she was so touched by my experiences and how alone I had been but denied for years ) but I thought I was strong enough to deal with it..... I wasnt though.

Last night I was so vunerable because of the exposure I was on uber guard mode. This lead to me and Robin having an almighty row, ending result ... well lets say he doesnt see me as his battbutt anymore.

So yeah had a session which saw me reflect myself in light of years of emotional neglect and lost my boyfriend as well.

The only gaurantee i have is long as people die I have a job, thats the only one I have and Ill have to deal with