FA+
Shop
Yay, more nonsense
12 years ago
General
So, it's another restless night filled with anxiety. Not much to it, been sleeping two or three hours each night (I count that because it takes me two or three hours to stop wrestling with my thoughts), exhausted, groggy, dizzy, I feel undone, though shuffling myself off this mortal coil is too easy, too cheap, why I never have gone through with it, tried, but then I thought through an anxious daze, what's around the next corner.
Scary monsters? Nope. Just the future, and filled with hope, and hopelessness. Wish I could afford seeing a psychiatrist for therapy again, then I could actually get on disability pay, and that would relieve SOME of the stress. Seriously, the ones that read this, you have no idea how tough the situation I am going through right now. I just want to get paid as an artist again, and that is a steady pay, or some damned compensation.
I can't rely on my friends, they know I'm off, and well, I keep saying, most people avoid people with mental problems, we are too much of a burden, too much of a problem. I keep fighting with past thoughts, which is my boon, and gift, remembering every damn thing that has happened to me like it was yesterday. I have friends who can't clearly remember two months ago, yet, I remember nonsense two decades ago quite clearly.
Now the past thoughts I fight with are again, my friend who fired me, mainly due to my mental instability and his insensitive girlfriend, who frankly short-judged me, was quick to call, made a shot in the dark, and put the word forward to get me ousted. Why can't people just learn to try to understand? Instead, we, that is, the bipolar community get labeled as nutters and loons, and well, most would rather part with that baggage, and that is what I feel like 99% of the time, baggage. If I'm not being distracted by mundane work, or even work I am interested in, I feel like extra cargo, only to be tossed aside at a moments notice.
Why the hell do I keep repeating myself, because it's all I can think about, I have nothing else to think about, sure the future, but I have to think about the present to keep myself less anxious. Wish I had more people to listen to me ramble, and understand, and try to care and comfort me somehow.
Scary monsters? Nope. Just the future, and filled with hope, and hopelessness. Wish I could afford seeing a psychiatrist for therapy again, then I could actually get on disability pay, and that would relieve SOME of the stress. Seriously, the ones that read this, you have no idea how tough the situation I am going through right now. I just want to get paid as an artist again, and that is a steady pay, or some damned compensation.
I can't rely on my friends, they know I'm off, and well, I keep saying, most people avoid people with mental problems, we are too much of a burden, too much of a problem. I keep fighting with past thoughts, which is my boon, and gift, remembering every damn thing that has happened to me like it was yesterday. I have friends who can't clearly remember two months ago, yet, I remember nonsense two decades ago quite clearly.
Now the past thoughts I fight with are again, my friend who fired me, mainly due to my mental instability and his insensitive girlfriend, who frankly short-judged me, was quick to call, made a shot in the dark, and put the word forward to get me ousted. Why can't people just learn to try to understand? Instead, we, that is, the bipolar community get labeled as nutters and loons, and well, most would rather part with that baggage, and that is what I feel like 99% of the time, baggage. If I'm not being distracted by mundane work, or even work I am interested in, I feel like extra cargo, only to be tossed aside at a moments notice.
Why the hell do I keep repeating myself, because it's all I can think about, I have nothing else to think about, sure the future, but I have to think about the present to keep myself less anxious. Wish I had more people to listen to me ramble, and understand, and try to care and comfort me somehow.
