These oddjobs I've been doing for the last two or so years is making me lose my damned mind, more so than I already feel like I've lost. Yea, I had a short stint with a friend doing video editing, it was in a field I loved, and it was something I loved doing, but that was of course, taken away from me, all because I have a few mental issues, that some people think you can turn off. Yea, I am repeating myself, but I feel I need to vent, I'm just feeling down and completely stretched thin, and about to just give up on everything.

I understand the road to success isn't easy, and it necessarly doesn't mean a monetary success, that can lead to even worse situations, like being miserable but having money. That's something I am trying to avoid completely. What I had with my friend, who I'd like to think as a close friend, was awesome, I had a ton of fun, I took what he gave me seriously, and put my entire heart into it. Then, a few months down the road, my heart and job torn out from under me and out of me, and run over. What am I supposed to do? Get medicated and possibly have serious issues down the road from the medication? Am I supposed to get lobotimized and institutionalized? Seriously, what the fuck do certain people want me to do? And then saying I abandoned them when I had a next to impossible time getting a hold of them. There isn't a damn thing I can do, and I am trying my best to fix what I had, or at least the friendship.

Losing his friendship would destroy me. I don't have too many people I can relate to on a one to one basis, I can count on my hand how many people can relate to me almost completely. Not even my boyfriend is on that level, sorry babe, but to have a healthy relationship, from my research and understanding, you need some common ground, but enough opposite to make it work, you can't make two magnets of the same polarity stick, it won't work, that's nature AND proven science.

I love having it rubbed in my face time to time that I wasted my time in college for a piece of paper, or at least what I was told. The fact is, I feel I didn't waste my time, only in the sense I didn't get the ground work for experience done while I was in college, I was spending 12-16 hours a day that wasn't class days studying and researching the software I was using, alternatives, and getting to know all of it intimately, because I sure as hell can't do that with people. I hate gloating, I hate talking about myself, but what my friend had with me editing was a solid as hell editor who was quick, efficient, clean, and organized. Work was given, work was completed in a VERY timely fashion, never complained about the job, and nothing wasn't too difficult. No task was too monumental or complex, that it was out of my reach. It can't be, I've been using the software for too damn long to be confused or perplexed by it. If I could have one damned thing in this world, it'd be to sure that future career with him, it was leading to something, something awesome, hell, it was awesome.

It's a shame towards the end I was considered a prying snoop, when all I wanted was to hang out, and do more things, but nope, some people just have never been around a eschewed introverted bipolar weirdo, that some have called me a complete loon. I did my best to hide my episodes, but it got too difficult towards the end in what was a combination of a lack of sleep, and a lack of contact with two people I was living with. And no, I never signed in the mornings or was emo, per the norm, I was doing yoga and breathing exercises. Also, I was reading a damned good book with my breakfasts.

Whatever, I'm ranting again, same old same old, nobody reads this shit, not even my boyfriend, which I do wish he did, maybe he'd just stop dismissing my mental problems and act like they are a puzzle to solve, they aren't, they have been already solved, just things I'd rather not discuss with anybody, that's just how I am, who I am, and yea.