“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.”

“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.”

“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”

“The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a beer bottle, they’re on TV.”

“When I drink, I think; and when I think, I drink.”

“A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.”

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?”

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”