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Notice of (Possible)Inactivity[Rant]
14 years ago
General
You have entered Da Blitz Arena... :D Ok, today, admittedly, was one of the worst days of my life and of course, its 'cause me and Madre are butting heads.
I swear this is so stupid though. It starts with her demanding money from me which I know that I don't have. So I show her I literally can't pay for what she wants me to give & she blows her lid, repeatedly shouting I need to "contribute" to the house or I leave. What she's so blind to see is that I DO NOT MIND Contributing to the house(helping out with this or that) but bitch, open your fucking eyes and see I don't paid enough to meet your demands for fucking money and that I still have my own shit that I not only need to pay, but to always have something to eat('cause she never keeps food in the house so I'm always ordering take-out) and gas in my car so I can freaking work.
How can a preson be so blind as to only see what they want and not give a damn about another person's needs and must dos?! She drives me so fucking crazy I literally broke down crying this morning. I ain't too proud to admit it 'cause I've been feeling like crying my little heart for years now, but not single tear dropped. Even flipped a few tables and that...I'm not too proud of, being as my laptop & Xbox was on that table and I'm glad they are ok... All of my things, no matter what it is, is like family to me. I dare not hurt anything I can consider 'mine', that includes this so called family, even though they treat me in a manner less than a family member.
Then the conversation turn to 'God', 'Belief', and 'Love'. I say fuck all 3. Constantly, CONSTANTLY, people claim to do righteous things in the name of these 3 things. No, no, stop lying al-fucking-ready. It has been proven to me many a times, MANY TIMES, that this 'God' everyone is so hooked on never existed. Believing in the non-existent makes one so stupid and ignorant. My so called 'mother' is the most basic proof of this. And 'Love'? Really, 'Love'? What love goes on in this house?! 'sides the fact I'm still living in this house, there is no love, only pain. I know I'm crazy, I know I'm fucking insane for thinking this way, but FUCKING DAMMIT IT ALL WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK?! The only love in this house I can see is whatever prevents my me from spraying her blood over the damn walls. Something prevents me from doing this and I'm glad it is, but if she keeps pushing me deeper and deeper into my insanity this way, I will fucking lose it. Today was the 2st time in a while I lost control of my emotions. My only good faith is that I was able to keep enough of it intact as to where it didn't didn't get ugly. ...er, uglier.
So here's my current situation: I'm out. I want out so badly right now I'll do anything for it. No, I don't want out of this house, I NEED it. My current plan for ASAP is:
-- Find a roommate and live with them('cause I already know, I don't have enough to pay for my own apartment. Only reason I'm still here). ASAP, and that's not soon enough.
-- Find a better paying job. I nearly don't care what it is, but I need more money than what I get. This whole day slapped me in the face w/ this fact.
-- Register for college one more time. This time, I won't depend on her to help me. I'll do it all myself this time. I will not drop out of college again 'cause of another stupid fucking reason.
As you can tell, I will be busy, hyper busy trying to get myself together since I no longer(If ever) have help in that department. I don't know how this change will effect me, hopefully I'll still be the same ol' Blitzy once I'm all settled w/ changes about to occur. And that's about it for now. I'll try to post this or that as I can, but I'll be spending all my time w/ these matters so I really don't know and I don't people, the actual people who care about me, think I've abandoned them.
Honestly, the biggest thing I can take from this which was made very clear this day & I shall stay forever ignorant about(and no one will ever convince me otherwise) is that the biggest mistake of my life was to put any amount of Trust to my 'mother', being as she keeps chewing it up and spitting it back at my face.
O, did I tell you guys how she stole my tax return and spent it on who knows what? I think I did. Either way, FML and everyone in it.
Can't help you much with the other shit though. I've seen this many times and I feel for you man. The good thing though is you have a plan. Stick to it, work hard at it and you will get out one way or another. And a little luck never hurt either.
Reason I don't eat noodles anymore 'cause they don't really fill me anymore, but I've picked up a habit of being able to(unintentionally) skip meals w/out getting too hungry by it, so I think I'll manage. PB&J.... and I ALWAYS drink right out the faucet. Heh, and madre thought I was crazy not buying water like her and my sis. XD
"Can't help you much with the other shit though"
-- And honestly didn't expect anyone to be able to, thanks for the tips though. Think I'll hold off on the roommate for a bit when I know my money isn't being funny...and when there also isn't 5 differently fake roommate websites scrounging for money. XD Luck hasn't been my friend these past few years...so I guess I'll just have to find a way to take it. >:3
Thanks again Ginny. <3