‎"It was just horrible" sniffs Derek, 18 from Thornhill. "they just kept hugging us... it was so adorable!" Derek breaks down at this point, so traumatised he becomes catatonic, until roused by a hello kitty doll supplied by one of the nurses from the children's ward. Medical sources at RSH say he may never drink white lightning again, thanks to the incendent.

Derek is just one victim of so called *happyglomping*. Happyglompings are on the rise all across the south, centred in London, Bristol and Southampton. Victims are normally members of street gangs or participants in macho culture, and are hugged into submission by one or more giant animals.

Southampton Police declined comment on this disturbing new trend, claiming we "were talking bollocks" and "are wasting space in our waitin' room".