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Bleh
19 years ago
General
What can I say. Recent events have weighed on me so heavily that my restraint has finally given out. Not with a growl, but a slump to the floor, I give up the solemn truth.
My emotions are tapped out, my mind is scattered, by body is a wreck from rarely eating and rarely sleeping. I have no motivation of any kind, whatever creative spark I had is greatly dimmed, if not gone.
Pride, self-respect, dignity, distant memories now. I'm empty, and worn, held together by my dedication to my two beloved spouses and nothing more.
I've been subjected to an endless barrage of preconception, misconception, lies, rumors, exaggerations, all propogated by individuals who lack the maturity to keep personal matters between them and myself, but feel the need to make it impossible for me to go anywhere without people there being pre-instructed that I'm someone to be treated poorly and to a sub-standard.
In the last couple of years alone I've lost two "best friends" sequentially, and god knows how many "close friends", the majority for which I am blamed from the outside by people who don't have the first clue what actually transpired between the people in question and myself.
And then there are those who are so petty and low that they misconstrew and misreport things between them and myself to my beloved spouses to try and cause shit between us, just to give themself some sick little satisfaction.
I'm not interested in anyone's pity, attention or support, I don't want sympathy, and I have no intention of discussing my feelings, the recent issues that have brought me down to this point, nor the situations fueling it.
I write this journal solely for the purpose of letting those who my condition may still concern the truth behind the gnarled mask, because I lack the ability to discuss my true feelings face to face.
My emotions are tapped out, my mind is scattered, by body is a wreck from rarely eating and rarely sleeping. I have no motivation of any kind, whatever creative spark I had is greatly dimmed, if not gone.
Pride, self-respect, dignity, distant memories now. I'm empty, and worn, held together by my dedication to my two beloved spouses and nothing more.
I've been subjected to an endless barrage of preconception, misconception, lies, rumors, exaggerations, all propogated by individuals who lack the maturity to keep personal matters between them and myself, but feel the need to make it impossible for me to go anywhere without people there being pre-instructed that I'm someone to be treated poorly and to a sub-standard.
In the last couple of years alone I've lost two "best friends" sequentially, and god knows how many "close friends", the majority for which I am blamed from the outside by people who don't have the first clue what actually transpired between the people in question and myself.
And then there are those who are so petty and low that they misconstrew and misreport things between them and myself to my beloved spouses to try and cause shit between us, just to give themself some sick little satisfaction.
I'm not interested in anyone's pity, attention or support, I don't want sympathy, and I have no intention of discussing my feelings, the recent issues that have brought me down to this point, nor the situations fueling it.
I write this journal solely for the purpose of letting those who my condition may still concern the truth behind the gnarled mask, because I lack the ability to discuss my true feelings face to face.
...not a whole lot..but still.
I like to consider myself fairly perceptive and in tune with the going on's around the fandom, esspecially when it comes to artists I like. And while I've heard about your stresses before, I've never come across any of these massive mudslingings.. Maybe I'm not as perceptive as I think I am.. But the worst I've ever seen has been prudes getting freaked out by some of your eccletic character designs. Designs that I quite frankly like a bunch :D And half those folks probably havn't seen the kinda funky things I've seen..
I know how wearing it can be to go through all that shit. But you have some lovely friends who care about you, and fans who appreciate you and your style.
Dev, I'm really sorry for this mess you're going through and I wish there was something I could say or do to help bring some light in the darkness.
You know a part of that,given what I offered to you a bit ago.. but I still say I'm sorry. I am part of this mess that encompassed you, and I can only wish there maybe something I coudl do that might help, some words I could say to assit.
I'm sorry DevX.
Since you really dont wanna hear it, I'll stick to my point.
When everything feels at its worst, theres really nothing else to do but the best thing you can do. You can only move forward and sitting in the pain is just a waste of time and just makes the pain worse.
Its your choice on what to do ofcourse, but life is pointless if you dont atleast try to be strong, even in the worst problems.
Pretty obvoius stuff really, but sometimes it helps to have a reason to think about it and reassess issues. Its not pity or whatever you wanna call it. Just a few bits of wisdom I learned from my late Grandfather. It seemed fitting to write them here.
Good luck with things.