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In pursuit of happiness
14 years ago
General
For years now I've fought depression all by myself, but it's only ever allowed me to just "be" as opposed to being truly happy. I don't tell anyone else about it because I shouldn't be anyone else's problem- that's my philosophy. Unfortunately it's gotten to a point now where I simply can't carry on like I have, so.... I'm going to tell my doctor about it, and hopefully get some professional help. I don't want any drugs or anything- that shit's not for me- I just want to change my life by opening up and accepting help- accepting love and all that jazz- I've just been so totally introverted and bottled shit up for so long it literally feels like a cancerous tumor in the pit of my stomach.
So.... I certainly don't want to disturb or upset anyone, and I'm not looking for sympathy at all- just want to explain myself a bit so it doesn't seem like I've gone all distant and don't care anymore. I kinda feel like I obsess over fantastical things because it helps me keep to myself, away from reality so to speak. I want unreachable things, and instead of that making me happy (obviously), it makes me feel even more left out and depressed. Couple that with mild OCD (it's mild *now*, again something I've never asked for help with and have just managed all on my own), and of course it makes me very sensitive- takes me years to actually move on and "get over" stuff. Or deal with the fact that I can't have the one thing I'm obsessing over at the moment.
I'm also a perfectionist- nothing is ever "completed" or "achieved" because it's never perfect. THere's always more that should be done. Another level of degrading oneself or not feeling worthy or valuable. I'm a workaholic because I'm a perfectionist, but also because of the above whereby I have consumed my life with work to escape "reality" of dealing with emotions and family, etc. And now I have very little in the way of human connections, and thus have full circled back to depression.
Ahhh- so I read a thing that says I should just write everything that I'm feeling down, even if it's all mumbo-jumbo shit, and start there. This is my start. On the upside- depression comes from expecting a different result from doing the same thing. So I'm excited that this is the start of something different.
Take care y'all!
*Hugs*
Though I like to think that my experiences have made me more aware of people's emotions and how to treat them a bit better. I also like to think that I'm a point now where I can be supportive and kind and loving and all the stuff that being a boyfriend, son, brother and good friend in general requires, but at the same time I have the ability to just switch off and just go assholio as you put it. I guess it depends on the situation at hand.,
You'll find writing can be very cathartic and is definitely something you should give a go for a while, see if you find it useful at all.
Anyway, looking forward to seeing you in the not too distant future. Once the unpacking is sorted I'll head on up to Auckland so we can go out for a bite to eat and a bit of a catch-up. Wonder if that chocolate shop place is overrun with tourists?
As for the serious stuff, well- I'll get there. Just need to find that motivation factor to get stuff done!
Half your battle is over - you know what needs to happen now, as you say it is just the motivation that you need to kick your butt into gear. Would it help if I nagged you a lot?
I don't recall you putting your foot in anything- you stress too much! :P
But I like the taste of foot, it goes well with Spanish donuts...
*hugz*
*SQUEEZE!* Miss talking to you, and hoping for the best.
*squeezes back*
So take care, and keep in mind - I at least wouldn't mind hearing from you every now and then!