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Confession.
15 years ago
General
Something that has reared it's ugly head upon me lately that I've been battling for a while now...
I have an eating disorder.
I have a hard time allowing myself to tell me that I'm full.
It's something I have always battled with, and sometimes I lose.
I can not stock up on my fridge, cause my mind begins to crave for the food I know is in there. Despite the fact I know I'm not hungry.
That when my room mates cook dinner I have to forcefully tell myself that I don't have to finish EVERYTHING.
I am able to consume amounts of food that have put men twice my size to shame.
That I am literally a local legend in Rochester at a local burger joint called Steve T's (formally Nick Tahou's). The cooks actually have my number at the restaurant, so that if anyone starts gloating about how much food they can eat. They call me and ask if I want to enter an eating contest.
VoodooRoo is a witness to it.
I get this odd sense of pride that I am able to eat amounts of food, most would consider inhuman. How I can eat pounds of food and three hours later blurt out, "I'm hungry." I have rang up triple digit bills at restaurants all by myself. I once ate 83 soft tacos from Taco Bell. And I swore I could of squeezed a few more but everyone in the party ran out of money.
And yet... it's a miracle I'm not over 300 pounds. I think I have an insane metabolism to be honest. I tried eating right and working out every day and the personal train had to stop cause he thought he was going to kill me I was losing weight so fast (44 pounds in 20 days).
My last trip to North Carolina, I gained 30 pounds. Eating out every breakfast, lunch, and dinner because my father could afford to really took it's toll on me. And to be honest, with the amount of food I ate, I probably should have gained more.
It's really tough. In high school, I was that typical jock. Quarterback of the high school team. Stayed after school every day and worked out for two hours. Woke up two hours before the morning bus would show just so I could squeeze in a 3 mile run in. I was rocking an insane body and I was damn proud of it (My lowest BMI was about 5.4).
Some where after school I lost it, perhaps it was the realization I wasn't going to play college football or any professional sport. I just stopped caring. That all those years of watching what I ate, I just said, "Fuck it. I want a god damned burger and put everything you have on it." And realized it was delicious.
That after high school, the gym actually cost money and that work was more important.
It's tough though. There's no way to ever stop my cravings for food, but only to try and slow it down. To tell myself, "I know they're getting a pizza, but you're only going to have one slice. If there are left overs... oh well."
I know it's a tad extreme but my problem is that, one I derail, I struggle to get back on. Usually it's when clothes stop fitting that I buckle down. The problem though is that... I want my high school body back. I miss those days where I looked for an excuse to take my shirt off to show off my abs. I missed that feeling when girls (and some men) snuck glances at me. Sure it sounds a little dickish but if you've ever experienced, you know how amazing it feels.
I'm down here in North Carolina once more, this time... I have to try harder. My dad's apartment has a gym that you can use any time and it's free. He has a bike that he never uses and I need to make better choices when I go out to eat.
It's already tough for a normal person to try and lose weight. For the demons I fight with everytime I think of food, it's a whole different level.
I have an eating disorder.
I have a hard time allowing myself to tell me that I'm full.
It's something I have always battled with, and sometimes I lose.
I can not stock up on my fridge, cause my mind begins to crave for the food I know is in there. Despite the fact I know I'm not hungry.
That when my room mates cook dinner I have to forcefully tell myself that I don't have to finish EVERYTHING.
I am able to consume amounts of food that have put men twice my size to shame.
That I am literally a local legend in Rochester at a local burger joint called Steve T's (formally Nick Tahou's). The cooks actually have my number at the restaurant, so that if anyone starts gloating about how much food they can eat. They call me and ask if I want to enter an eating contest.
VoodooRoo is a witness to it.I get this odd sense of pride that I am able to eat amounts of food, most would consider inhuman. How I can eat pounds of food and three hours later blurt out, "I'm hungry." I have rang up triple digit bills at restaurants all by myself. I once ate 83 soft tacos from Taco Bell. And I swore I could of squeezed a few more but everyone in the party ran out of money.
And yet... it's a miracle I'm not over 300 pounds. I think I have an insane metabolism to be honest. I tried eating right and working out every day and the personal train had to stop cause he thought he was going to kill me I was losing weight so fast (44 pounds in 20 days).
My last trip to North Carolina, I gained 30 pounds. Eating out every breakfast, lunch, and dinner because my father could afford to really took it's toll on me. And to be honest, with the amount of food I ate, I probably should have gained more.
It's really tough. In high school, I was that typical jock. Quarterback of the high school team. Stayed after school every day and worked out for two hours. Woke up two hours before the morning bus would show just so I could squeeze in a 3 mile run in. I was rocking an insane body and I was damn proud of it (My lowest BMI was about 5.4).
Some where after school I lost it, perhaps it was the realization I wasn't going to play college football or any professional sport. I just stopped caring. That all those years of watching what I ate, I just said, "Fuck it. I want a god damned burger and put everything you have on it." And realized it was delicious.
That after high school, the gym actually cost money and that work was more important.
It's tough though. There's no way to ever stop my cravings for food, but only to try and slow it down. To tell myself, "I know they're getting a pizza, but you're only going to have one slice. If there are left overs... oh well."
I know it's a tad extreme but my problem is that, one I derail, I struggle to get back on. Usually it's when clothes stop fitting that I buckle down. The problem though is that... I want my high school body back. I miss those days where I looked for an excuse to take my shirt off to show off my abs. I missed that feeling when girls (and some men) snuck glances at me. Sure it sounds a little dickish but if you've ever experienced, you know how amazing it feels.
I'm down here in North Carolina once more, this time... I have to try harder. My dad's apartment has a gym that you can use any time and it's free. He has a bike that he never uses and I need to make better choices when I go out to eat.
It's already tough for a normal person to try and lose weight. For the demons I fight with everytime I think of food, it's a whole different level.
You and I both, can do this!