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jokes i like part 23
15 years ago
General
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'Funny Shit From George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be
seated closest to the bathroom.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long
period of time.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things
right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already
been established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people
who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in
something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's
disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost
memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't
tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for
their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy
nailed to two pieces of wood.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize
I'm listening to it.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea
is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so
both of them together is certain death.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of
hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have
to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus
has left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just
enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do
about it if I did.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate
to have people think they don't care what people think.
Religion is just mind control.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of
things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to
work and don't have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are
ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table
had an argument going.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over
there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Think off-center. Not in the Box.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what
do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do
they?
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always
wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light,
he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem
that much more urgent.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born
in America, you get a front row seat.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.GREAT ADVICE!
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch yo u.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
I AM THANKFUL FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME!
SEND THIS TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT ... I JUST DID
And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags and every once
in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag '
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for
the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all
that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no,' says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the
football stadium
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the
bushes right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper
and each
time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I
say, '$20 or off
it comes.'
'Well that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Okay, good luck!
'By the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
wel untill further notiss thats the last of the oney i have saved on the brain hope u all enjoyed them
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude.....
How much water did you drink?!!'Funny Shit From George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be
seated closest to the bathroom.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long
period of time.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things
right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already
been established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people
who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in
something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's
disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost
memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't
tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for
their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy
nailed to two pieces of wood.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize
I'm listening to it.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea
is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so
both of them together is certain death.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of
hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have
to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus
has left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just
enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do
about it if I did.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate
to have people think they don't care what people think.
Religion is just mind control.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of
things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to
work and don't have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are
ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table
had an argument going.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over
there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Think off-center. Not in the Box.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what
do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do
they?
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always
wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light,
he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem
that much more urgent.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born
in America, you get a front row seat.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.GREAT ADVICE!
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch yo u.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
I AM THANKFUL FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME!
SEND THIS TO PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT ... I JUST DID
And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags and every once
in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag '
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for
the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all
that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no,' says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the
football stadium
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the
bushes right into my flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper
and each
time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I
say, '$20 or off
it comes.'
'Well that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Okay, good luck!
'By the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
wel untill further notiss thats the last of the oney i have saved on the brain hope u all enjoyed them
