I am approaching a crossroads. I can see it, I can feel it, but I know only of it. I do not know where it will take me. I can not tell what is about to happen.

I face the Unknown in a way I have never before.

Progress is about to happen in a most radical way. I am the balance point and I know the scales are about to tip.

The only question is which way. And I control it all.

All.

Cause and effect govern all.

My choices over the next month will set the tone for the months, the years to follow.

In just over a month I turn 35.

I have spent the better part of my adult years helping, saving, being there for others.

Only this year have I finally started to realize just how little I have been there for myself.

I have taken steps to change this, but one does not take big steps and keep their balance on unfamiliar ground.

I have always done what I can to stay balanced, even at the cost of others happiness or satisfaction. My mental stability was forever being propped up by interceding for another's desires - over and over and over again.

I have been sick. I have been tired. I have been neglectful of the one most in need of helping, of saving.

Me.

I have my new dream. A dream to wear fur before the end of this year, either fully or only to see through new eyes.

I honestly feel like I don't care about anything else. It is something I want to do for me to make me happy.

My interest in games is waning, and i am ok with that. They are not as enjoyable as they once were and there are very few that pique my curiousity any more. The stories are not what they once were.

My own stories are starting to grow stronger. My muse's voice is warming up again.

Things are changing, in a big way.

By the Gods, I hope I choose right.

All I know for certain is if I get my chance in July for a fursuit commission and it falls from me because of the actions of another, there will be Hell to pay.

My one dream, my own desire.

If I do not make it because of blind chance, then there is no fault. It is still a lottery and I will not deny that.

If my chance comes up, however, but everyone else thinks they deserve everything first, then it will be all over... and I will know the answer to the question, "When will I rage?" :)

All I know for certain is that change is coming.

And that I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose everything all over again.

But that, for once, I feel like I have a chance to actually be the one to call the shot.

I just have to remember that I'll also be the one to live with the consequences of doing it.