I recognize two feelings right now: fear and confusion. I feel lost and afraid. I feel like I'm sitting all alone in a forest with many twisting paths leading in different directions. I've turned away from various help here and there because I'm afraid of being weak and help perpetuates weakness, or so I've told myself. Now I'm alone and don't know which way to go. I'm scared, but mostly I'm scared of turning to those I want respect from and telling them that I'm scared. That I don't have the answers. That I feel too weak to figure it out on my own. I feel like I need to earn my way through life and when I let other people take care of things for me I lose my ability to think for myself and my skill to deal with situations is dampened that much more. But, I know this can't really be true because I'm sitting here by myself inside; afraid and not sure what to do, which way to go, or what I'm doing now and why.

So how can someone be weak and yet respected for the POTENTIAL of their strength, the quality of that person that lies past that particular moment of weakness? I focus too strongly on my weaknesses. I've convinced myself that everyone else does the same. This isn't a thought process that changes overnight. I spoke today in giving my thoughts to a dear person to me, and yet now I seem to choke at trying to believe I'm somehow worthy of that same advice. Draw from the resources around me when I'm feeling weak; but I don't want to be weak and I don't want to be seen as weak.

I don't know how to get out of this circular fear-based phobia that spins through my head. I'm trying in my day to day life to make the right choices. I don't really know what right is anymore, but at least I can try, and talk to those I care for, to hear their thoughts and try to see their perspectives.