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A Silent Voice
3 years ago
General
A Silent Voice has spoken to me. In my heart and mind, it has given me much to think about. After much self-reflection, I think it’s time that I write out my true feelings about my situations. Each message is for a specific person(s) in mind, but is open to all to see the full scope of the personal demons I face. Know that was I say isn’t for the faint of heart, but is a cold-blooded truth. I write this all as both an apology to its intended recipient, but also as a means for me to come to terms with myself--to face my demons and accept my true self. Heed my warning before reading on and know that I understand if this message isn’t for you and/or is too much to bear.
If you’re still here…then let’s begin.
To my roommates, whom have graced me with the opportunity to leave the nest and see the greater world for the first time. You welcomed me into your home and offered me aid in my time of need. I sought out to further my education and to finally begin my life. And in finding a place to call home, you brought me here. You helped me travel farther than I could’ve imagined myself going, from one end of the country to another. So far from home, you gave me a roof over my head and a warm meal on my plate.
And I took advantage of that. In finding security, I became dependent off of your care and support. And when that dependency was ripped away, I felt betrayed and blamed you. You saw I was becoming dependent when I was fully capable of taking care of myself. So you opted to throw me into the deep end. I was so reliant on you that such a slap to the face was the only way to make me snap to my senses and attempt to break from that dependency. Don't get me wrong; I'm scared as hell. But I had no right to be so reliant on your kindness and generosity. It was wrong of me. And no amount of time or money could possibly right these wrongs.
In my recovery, I seek help in finding shelter of my own and truly fend for myself. To some, it might seem like I'm running away from my problems. But in truth, I shouldn't have come here to begin with. I became the root of your problems. The only way to let you two recover is for me to leave. I don't know where I'll go or when. But know that this is the best for all of us. It's time for me to move on.
I'm sorry for hurting you. For unfairly relying on you.
To those I call friends, you all show me an unwavering kindness. A kindness I couldn't possibly be more grateful for. You all shine a light so bright...that I feel unworthy. You show gratitude and affection when I've shown next to none. You give unwavering support when it's undeserved. And to some of you, you've aided me in my times of need, to which I've taken advantage of. You all offer a generosity to which I could never repay.
To all of you, I'm sorry. You give me so much when I have nothing to give in return. And in trying to repay that debt, I place the burden upon myself that some would perceive as ingratitude or selfishness; That I seek attention or clout for my own personal gain. In truth, I don't know why it is that I do this. I tell myself that I do this to connect with people who share a common interest and/or to find connections with people whom truly care or make me happy. But no matter how hard I tell myself this, I can never shake off the uncertainty of my actions; That this is why I feel so undeserving of your friendship. And for all those that I've hurt and all the wrongs, am I truly deserving of friendship? Am I truly deserving of happiness?
To those I once called friends, I opened my heart to you. Tried connecting with you. In my darkest moments, I turned to you to find light in my life again. I placed a heavy burden upon you...one that I had no right to share. In seeking your help, I only hurt you, making you see the ugly side of me...and make it all that there is to me. I admit I am a shattered mess. I'm childish. I'm slow to learn. And worse still, I don't know any better. In seeking companionship, I became a parasite and leeched off you. I took your happiness and tried to make it my own.
And I can never truly forgive myself for overwhelming you with such heavy burdens. For some of you, it reached the point where enough was enough and we were forced to part ways. And every day, I think about what I could've done differently, hoping there's some way to restore what I've broken. It eats away at me every day. I'm sorry for the unfair burdens I troubled you with.
To my mother, whom I've hurt the most. You are my greatest light...and my greatest shame. We never had a great life together, being raised in the toxic, abusive way we were from my father. But you were always there for me. No matter how far from home I was, you were always by my side. And I never saw that...until it was too late. The harm that I've done to our family, in pushing father to such abusive lengths. A scapegoat I may be...but punishment is what I feel I deserve.
Even in my early years, I leeched off of your wellbeing; a rotten thief trying to fight back. And as I matured, I began to see the error of my ways. In seeing this revelation, my sins return to haunt me, now leaving me leeching on my own wellbeing. Even now, you still try to support me in my endeavors, as undeserving as it may be, with no spite or expectations of anything in return. It's a debt I fear I can never repay, no matter how hard I try.
Thank you for your unwavering support. And I'm sorry for how much I've hurt you. And I'm sorry that you have to help me out so much, knowing I could never fully repay you. But remember this...
I'll always be your little boy.
You'll always be my world.
These are the realities I've come to face. The pain I've endured and inflicted. The demons that I face. I feel as though I could never forgive myself. That I deserve nothing but punishment for the sins I've committed. No friendship, no companionship, no connections...no happiness. Even now, as I look at myself in the mirror...I don't recognize the face staring back at me. I can't look people in the face, even myself. I am at war with myself. I often find myself asking question, like "Am I allowed to ask for forgiveness, despite all the pain I have cause? Should I even be allowed to ask?" I find myself believing that I am undeserving of any happiness that comes into my life.
But A Silent Voice has spoken to me. It tells me that I can find peace. I have to face my demons and accept myself for who I really am. To you all, I write this message. I may not be solely to blame for all that has occurred. But I can no longer shy away from the errors of my ways. No amount of time or money could ever repay the debts I owe or restore what has been broken. I don't know if I deserve to ask for forgiveness. But with all that is laid bare, I can only hope that you still accept me as a person and not a burden.
A Silent Voice has spoken. Only with this message can I truly hope to begin to forgive and accept myself.
If you’re still here…then let’s begin.
To my roommates, whom have graced me with the opportunity to leave the nest and see the greater world for the first time. You welcomed me into your home and offered me aid in my time of need. I sought out to further my education and to finally begin my life. And in finding a place to call home, you brought me here. You helped me travel farther than I could’ve imagined myself going, from one end of the country to another. So far from home, you gave me a roof over my head and a warm meal on my plate.
And I took advantage of that. In finding security, I became dependent off of your care and support. And when that dependency was ripped away, I felt betrayed and blamed you. You saw I was becoming dependent when I was fully capable of taking care of myself. So you opted to throw me into the deep end. I was so reliant on you that such a slap to the face was the only way to make me snap to my senses and attempt to break from that dependency. Don't get me wrong; I'm scared as hell. But I had no right to be so reliant on your kindness and generosity. It was wrong of me. And no amount of time or money could possibly right these wrongs.
In my recovery, I seek help in finding shelter of my own and truly fend for myself. To some, it might seem like I'm running away from my problems. But in truth, I shouldn't have come here to begin with. I became the root of your problems. The only way to let you two recover is for me to leave. I don't know where I'll go or when. But know that this is the best for all of us. It's time for me to move on.
I'm sorry for hurting you. For unfairly relying on you.
To those I call friends, you all show me an unwavering kindness. A kindness I couldn't possibly be more grateful for. You all shine a light so bright...that I feel unworthy. You show gratitude and affection when I've shown next to none. You give unwavering support when it's undeserved. And to some of you, you've aided me in my times of need, to which I've taken advantage of. You all offer a generosity to which I could never repay.
To all of you, I'm sorry. You give me so much when I have nothing to give in return. And in trying to repay that debt, I place the burden upon myself that some would perceive as ingratitude or selfishness; That I seek attention or clout for my own personal gain. In truth, I don't know why it is that I do this. I tell myself that I do this to connect with people who share a common interest and/or to find connections with people whom truly care or make me happy. But no matter how hard I tell myself this, I can never shake off the uncertainty of my actions; That this is why I feel so undeserving of your friendship. And for all those that I've hurt and all the wrongs, am I truly deserving of friendship? Am I truly deserving of happiness?
To those I once called friends, I opened my heart to you. Tried connecting with you. In my darkest moments, I turned to you to find light in my life again. I placed a heavy burden upon you...one that I had no right to share. In seeking your help, I only hurt you, making you see the ugly side of me...and make it all that there is to me. I admit I am a shattered mess. I'm childish. I'm slow to learn. And worse still, I don't know any better. In seeking companionship, I became a parasite and leeched off you. I took your happiness and tried to make it my own.
And I can never truly forgive myself for overwhelming you with such heavy burdens. For some of you, it reached the point where enough was enough and we were forced to part ways. And every day, I think about what I could've done differently, hoping there's some way to restore what I've broken. It eats away at me every day. I'm sorry for the unfair burdens I troubled you with.
To my mother, whom I've hurt the most. You are my greatest light...and my greatest shame. We never had a great life together, being raised in the toxic, abusive way we were from my father. But you were always there for me. No matter how far from home I was, you were always by my side. And I never saw that...until it was too late. The harm that I've done to our family, in pushing father to such abusive lengths. A scapegoat I may be...but punishment is what I feel I deserve.
Even in my early years, I leeched off of your wellbeing; a rotten thief trying to fight back. And as I matured, I began to see the error of my ways. In seeing this revelation, my sins return to haunt me, now leaving me leeching on my own wellbeing. Even now, you still try to support me in my endeavors, as undeserving as it may be, with no spite or expectations of anything in return. It's a debt I fear I can never repay, no matter how hard I try.
Thank you for your unwavering support. And I'm sorry for how much I've hurt you. And I'm sorry that you have to help me out so much, knowing I could never fully repay you. But remember this...
I'll always be your little boy.
You'll always be my world.
These are the realities I've come to face. The pain I've endured and inflicted. The demons that I face. I feel as though I could never forgive myself. That I deserve nothing but punishment for the sins I've committed. No friendship, no companionship, no connections...no happiness. Even now, as I look at myself in the mirror...I don't recognize the face staring back at me. I can't look people in the face, even myself. I am at war with myself. I often find myself asking question, like "Am I allowed to ask for forgiveness, despite all the pain I have cause? Should I even be allowed to ask?" I find myself believing that I am undeserving of any happiness that comes into my life.
But A Silent Voice has spoken to me. It tells me that I can find peace. I have to face my demons and accept myself for who I really am. To you all, I write this message. I may not be solely to blame for all that has occurred. But I can no longer shy away from the errors of my ways. No amount of time or money could ever repay the debts I owe or restore what has been broken. I don't know if I deserve to ask for forgiveness. But with all that is laid bare, I can only hope that you still accept me as a person and not a burden.
A Silent Voice has spoken. Only with this message can I truly hope to begin to forgive and accept myself.
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