i'm not sure what to preface this with, or what this journal is gonna be about exactly. just things and thoughts as they come, i guess. this might not stay up for long, but the lack of responses on my FA journals probably indicates i can post this here till i feel better and delete it.

lately i've struggled with having inspiration for art, and very recently i had a falling out with a close friend. nobody's fault but my own. the emotional turmoil was particularly bad on the day it happened, but subsided a little in the past few days. still it's been eating me up bit by bit every day in this time span. i wonder if i'm really coping, or if the bad feelings will hit me like a wave only months from now.

i've been exhausted the past year. from everything. school, relationships/friendships(or perceived lack thereof), socializing, my home situation. things have been really difficult the past year. i've been depressed, an anxious mess. less than previous years, but also i feel lonely. the recent incident has also made me admit to myself just how childish and immature i really am, even if it's not something that shows often as far as i'm aware. i'm not in tune with my emotions, which is something i've known for a while now but this just...made it painfully obvious.

with the changes i've made to syn, it was therapeutic and genuinely fun to draw him. until i had said falling out. now i don't know anymore. i'll still keep him of course, he matters too much to me for me to just drop him like as if i didn't have years of history with him. i love him too much, and he's an extension of me. it's just... i don't know what to do. drawing his current form has soured a bit, but at the same time i like it. maybe the answer will come to me naturally.

it's really hard to just exist. let alone gain the motivation to draw. i've mostly just been doing work for school and playing games the past few months. sometimes i think i should quit drawing, and when the dispute happened i really did consider it. but then i drew stuff on clip studio and the brush i was using reminded me why i love drawing(digitally and in general) so much. so i don't think i'll really quit. i think i need to take some time to remember what i do this for. i've mostly just felt really useless and suicidal every week.

i've not wanted to leave social media for years now, but i've...been thinking about it. deleting all my profiles everywhere. but it's not realistic, because online is where all my friends are, and i can get advice and help from genuine people in the communities i'm in even if i don't have many close friends. but y'know, the urge is there.

frankly, i feel like a monster. all i do is hurt people like some wild animal, not often but when i do it hurts a lot. i feel like i claw and scratch and bite at people who try to get close, some days i just don't want to interact at all. i can never tell if my brain is going to not want to talk to people. i don't want to be rude.

i'm really tired. i'm trying my best. but i feel like a bad person. a childish one, at least. but i guess that makes sense because i'm still relatively young, i'm not even 30 yet or whatever people count as "old". i have things to live for, i'm sure, but it's hard to want to continue. i'm sorry.

i'm not really making much sense. i feel suicidal, a little. no games i have right now make me happy. nothing makes me happy. today i napped multiple times, probably to make up for thursday's sadness. i don't usually nap so many times a day. my family has been doing things too. there's a lot of drama on my mother's side, because she loves to pick fights i suppose. toxic person things.

i don't know what to do anymore.

don't be too concerned, though. i've been suicidal many times, but i've never acted on those impulses. i don't wish to anytime soon, and i'm confident i won't. even if the urge is overwhelming sometimes. i'm sorry for being so eccentric and weird. to no one in particular, i suppose.