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Where's Maneframe? + Looking for a job
4 years ago
TL;DR 5 years of being hard on myself has finally broken me, I'm looking for leads for work elsewhere for a while, I'm not quitting art, and I share plans for the future of my work.
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Things have been a bit rough for me lately. A few weeks ago I finally burnt out enough that I've been getting headaches when I work on art and feeling entirely glazes over and unable to focus. I took a mandatory week off, and the two after have still been less than productive. I don't want this resulting journal to be discouraging to anyone pursuing art. you can absolutely make things work, I know many who do. But I crashed years ago and never fully resolved it. To my commissioners; None of it is your fault. I love your projects, I'm just really having a hard time making peace with myself and how I handle them.
In 2016 I fell into a rut with my work and things just haven't really been the same since. I was an absolute art machine the first few years I was taking art seriously and I really enjoyed it. But for every bit of passion I had in it, slowly turned to pain and shame and I've felt like a massive failure ever since. These feelings have overshadowed all of the wonderful blessings I've gotten, and the skill I know I have. My prices are good, I get enough commissions and demand, but I only work a fraction of what I need to to make a decent wage, and walk away from it all feeling more drained than when I was working 40 hour weeks doing residential maintenance. I know my art is good and fine but this is unfortunately not enough to resolve my feelings. I know I need therapy but I'm literally unable to afford it
It makes me feel like a humongous pussy that I have what most would consider a dream job and I'm filled with so much stress and fear over it that I can barely work. that I seem unable to just bootstrap it after 5 years of this stuff. So much of my self worth is tied to my art and I feel really crummy about my low output. I've improved in A LOT in my art and as a person and it just hasn't been enough to correct my poor art work ethic. I literally can't make ends meet without generous donations, and while I feel incredibly grateful for them, I also feel like a failure to society and ashamed that I have a degree and can't fend for myself. I'm making under half annually what a lot of grocery store workers do.
I really need a major shake up. painting is my passion and I'm -NOT- going to give up on it, but my friends have been begging me to take a break and find income elsewhere for literally years now and I keep avoiding it. But I'm admitting it to myself now, I can't actually fix the trauma and bad habits I'm dealing with while relying on art for my income. it's a vicious cycle. I need to take a step back. There's already massive perfectionist pressure from myself on everything I do, and I can't address any of it when I'm also worried about doing enough art to make ends barely meet.
Plans for the art future:
I'll be trying to pick up a different job for at least a few months. Eventually I want to move back into art being my full income. While I'm working another job I'll be prepping skills I need to make money off of merch and 3D work, both of which have been exciting to me in the past and I have little baggage with. Painting is still my main squeeze and I'll be keeping it for personal work and some seldom commissions until I've resolved my feelings~. For years I've been neglecting a lot of things I want to do with my art because I feel critical of myself and unconfident. I'm done. I mean, I've said that before, but I know I'm srs this time since I've been putting effort into it for every piece for several sustained weeks now. so I'm confident that'll keep up.
I'm actually somewhat hopeful despite the negativity. each day has been a rollercoaster of hope for the future and feeling terrible that I feel so close to the edge. I'm dealing with feelings of having failed my career and a lot of financial stress, but I also feel like I have something here that might finally work and I have confidence I'll find a way to eventually return to feeling okay about my work full time again. I know I won't always have fun doing art as a job, but it shouldn't feel like I'm straining myself most of the time either. I don't want that, my friends and watchers don't want that for me, and I owe myself better.
Help with Finding a Job:
If anyone has leads to an online remote job, I'd be grateful. I was thinking something like data entry? but I think I'd be a good fit for anything where I have to organize or help people. I'm pretty good with computers and spreadsheets, and I have some minor experience in teaching and repairs. Despite what I've been dealing with in my art, I've always been a good worker though any of my previous employments.
Help with Finances:
If you want to make things easier on me during this transitional period, I'm deeply grateful for all of your help. I literally would not still be producing art if not for the continued generosity of my friends, and when I finally get all of this working I will have you to thank you it
https://ko-fi.com/maneframe
paypal.me/maneframe
Thank you all so much for reading and sticking with me these years, and here's to another 5, hopefully brighter years
- Maney
----
Things have been a bit rough for me lately. A few weeks ago I finally burnt out enough that I've been getting headaches when I work on art and feeling entirely glazes over and unable to focus. I took a mandatory week off, and the two after have still been less than productive. I don't want this resulting journal to be discouraging to anyone pursuing art. you can absolutely make things work, I know many who do. But I crashed years ago and never fully resolved it. To my commissioners; None of it is your fault. I love your projects, I'm just really having a hard time making peace with myself and how I handle them.
In 2016 I fell into a rut with my work and things just haven't really been the same since. I was an absolute art machine the first few years I was taking art seriously and I really enjoyed it. But for every bit of passion I had in it, slowly turned to pain and shame and I've felt like a massive failure ever since. These feelings have overshadowed all of the wonderful blessings I've gotten, and the skill I know I have. My prices are good, I get enough commissions and demand, but I only work a fraction of what I need to to make a decent wage, and walk away from it all feeling more drained than when I was working 40 hour weeks doing residential maintenance. I know my art is good and fine but this is unfortunately not enough to resolve my feelings. I know I need therapy but I'm literally unable to afford it
It makes me feel like a humongous pussy that I have what most would consider a dream job and I'm filled with so much stress and fear over it that I can barely work. that I seem unable to just bootstrap it after 5 years of this stuff. So much of my self worth is tied to my art and I feel really crummy about my low output. I've improved in A LOT in my art and as a person and it just hasn't been enough to correct my poor art work ethic. I literally can't make ends meet without generous donations, and while I feel incredibly grateful for them, I also feel like a failure to society and ashamed that I have a degree and can't fend for myself. I'm making under half annually what a lot of grocery store workers do.
I really need a major shake up. painting is my passion and I'm -NOT- going to give up on it, but my friends have been begging me to take a break and find income elsewhere for literally years now and I keep avoiding it. But I'm admitting it to myself now, I can't actually fix the trauma and bad habits I'm dealing with while relying on art for my income. it's a vicious cycle. I need to take a step back. There's already massive perfectionist pressure from myself on everything I do, and I can't address any of it when I'm also worried about doing enough art to make ends barely meet.
Plans for the art future:
I'll be trying to pick up a different job for at least a few months. Eventually I want to move back into art being my full income. While I'm working another job I'll be prepping skills I need to make money off of merch and 3D work, both of which have been exciting to me in the past and I have little baggage with. Painting is still my main squeeze and I'll be keeping it for personal work and some seldom commissions until I've resolved my feelings~. For years I've been neglecting a lot of things I want to do with my art because I feel critical of myself and unconfident. I'm done. I mean, I've said that before, but I know I'm srs this time since I've been putting effort into it for every piece for several sustained weeks now. so I'm confident that'll keep up.
I'm actually somewhat hopeful despite the negativity. each day has been a rollercoaster of hope for the future and feeling terrible that I feel so close to the edge. I'm dealing with feelings of having failed my career and a lot of financial stress, but I also feel like I have something here that might finally work and I have confidence I'll find a way to eventually return to feeling okay about my work full time again. I know I won't always have fun doing art as a job, but it shouldn't feel like I'm straining myself most of the time either. I don't want that, my friends and watchers don't want that for me, and I owe myself better.
Help with Finding a Job:
If anyone has leads to an online remote job, I'd be grateful. I was thinking something like data entry? but I think I'd be a good fit for anything where I have to organize or help people. I'm pretty good with computers and spreadsheets, and I have some minor experience in teaching and repairs. Despite what I've been dealing with in my art, I've always been a good worker though any of my previous employments.
Help with Finances:
If you want to make things easier on me during this transitional period, I'm deeply grateful for all of your help. I literally would not still be producing art if not for the continued generosity of my friends, and when I finally get all of this working I will have you to thank you it
https://ko-fi.com/maneframe
paypal.me/maneframe
Thank you all so much for reading and sticking with me these years, and here's to another 5, hopefully brighter years
- Maney
and when I had a fulltime job previously it wasn't that bad
I've also been looking into graphic design lately since I'm qualified and it doesn't drain me in the same ways :3
it's been refreshing to finally start accepting that they were full of shit.
You rock, and I hope this mandatory away period helps you. You deserve the best.
I know you will hun. You got this~ 💙🦖
I understand that your art might not satisfy you, but it is still amazing, I love to see it! Take it easy, nobody wants you working yourself to death over art! :)
Yeah, it's a weird dynamic. I like my work, I don't hate it. but it's like.. knowing that I want to be expressing something different with it. not even just strictly be better, but that I wanted to be more painterly, more adventurous and expressive, to take hold of and try more ideas. And to know that I have avoided it so much and seeing the lack of fruits of that is just.. painful. because I know the only thing stopping me is fear it wouldn't have been good enough. but without having given myself that time to fail, now I'm here having a difficult time expressing those 30 little things I wanted that all feel missing.
And if you want to stay enthusiastic about something, not making it your day job may be a good idea. Your friends are right. Working on-, or stressing about things that aren't art for a change can only help. Once you have gained a different perspective you will have a much easier time deciding how to proceed.
I wish you all the best.
Thanks Doc~ I appreciate seeing you around all the time :>
also layouts are probably easier than drawing snowboarders all day for a game I don't care about. so unless I had the opportunity to work on a really cool game with a really chill developer, I've been wondering if working in game concept art like I intended is really all it would be cracked up to be. you hear a lot of horror stories out of the big studios :c but some really excellent ones out of the mid-tier.
I really love doing the freelance furry thing but until I fix my relationship with my work and get into a nice flow I just don't think it's gonna work out for me as my full-time income :<
*gives hugs*
Thinking of you!
and if it doesn't work out I know what to look for now :3